Living as a Secondary
I'm a 24 year old female and I've been poly for a little over two years now. Since I began pursuing the poly lifestyle I've generally found my love life to be much more fulfilling and surprisingly, far less dramatic and burdensome. I've been in a triangle with a MF couple who are each others long-term, primary partners for over a year now and it's the first time I've been in a poly relationship of such emotional significance. I love both of them very much, and in many ways I've never been happier before in my life.
Because I was entering the relationship as a secondary and I had never become too emotionally entangled in my poly partners before, I didn't expect these two amazing people to become such a large part of my world. Over the past 6 months I've been devoting more and more of my time to them and building the kind of everyday support that I have only ever experienced in monogamous relationships (and a far more rewarding support structure at that).
But I am still a secondary. Recently my partners have begun to experience some turbulence in their relationship and they've been getting into sporadic fights for the last few weeks. Spending time with them can often turn very tense and I am often left feeling like I aggravate the situation, even though their arguments have nothing to do with me.
I've been going through some hard times myself recently, with a growing mound of family and health problems, and I could use some support myself these days. This is where I'm running into problems with being a secondary. Although I have concentrated the same time and emotions as many primary partners do into their relationships, I feel like sometimes I have to put my needs aside for their relationship. Which kind of makes sense to me. They share a home and they are probably going to spend the rest of their lives together. I have my own space and may be living on a different continent next year. But I've also been spending more time with them, and less with my friends and I don't have as many close ones as I used to.
Also, I'm feeling a lot of additional guilt because they seem to most often get into arguments when I'm around these days. I've been spending fewer nights with them so we can all sleep better.
Any other secondaries out there get a little lonely sometimes?
Last edited by Francy; 10-05-2011 at 08:57 PM.