OK, Cindie, you've given me permission to say here that you own a pair of handcuffs and one time (at least) you cuffed a lover to your bed and tortured him by licking all around his hard cock, barely brushing it from time to time with your lips, as he writhed and quivered on the bed.
You're not vanilla. You're not "non-kinky." You both got off on the power exchange.
No, you didn't tie his balls up with bands or rope til they were tight and purple. No, you didn't take a small flogger and whip his cock while he laid there helpless. Yet, you still tortured him.
You didn't sit and watch TV. You did something even more extreme than canoeing on a calm lake. You enjoyed the power. He enjoyed being under your control.
Some people might think you and L are perverts. Some people are asexual. Some only like 10 mins of missionary style sex. It's all a matter of personal preference and desire for this or that limit to be pushed.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve.
~Percy Byshe Shelley