Thread: BDsm
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Old 10-05-2011, 04:41 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,451

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Nyc, what term would you prefer?
Non-BDSM, non-kinky, something like that. Even though vanilla is my favorite ice cream flavor, calling non-kinksters "vanilla" seems to imply that relationships or sex without kink/BDSM are dull, boring, unenlightened, or less than gratifying, just generally across the board. I love what Yoxi said about it a few months ago.

Maybe it's the context within which I first learned of that usage years ago, but it sounds like BDSMers are calling non-BDSMers "vanilla" from a position of feeling superior because they're so willing to take risks that "Vanillas" aren't. Let's face it; I've come across many instances where BDSMers essentially say that they are more "evolved" because of what they do (and some people also maddeningly take that stance about polyamory versus monogamy). There are more ways to dig deep and become enlightened than a power exchange or flogging your lover. It's not the only road to self-discovery, is what I mean (non-BDSMers can grapple with the same issues in different ways).

So, yeah, don't like being called "vanilla" (though, as Mags once told me, I do have some chocolate sprinkles going on myself)... or a "girl"... or "middle-aged." Some terminology just rubs me the wrong way. But we learned that in the thread about using the word "secondary," heh-heh. I also dislike the term "unicorn" (even though I'd never be in that position, being straight and all).
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 10-05-2011 at 04:52 AM.
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