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Old 10-05-2011, 03:13 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
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Originally Posted by halfwaycrazy View Post
My partner and I have been trying out having an open/poly/swinger relationship, and last night, I freaked out.
Well, which is it? Open, polyamorous, or swinging? Perhaps it hasn't been working because you're not clear on what you want.

Now, look at the parts I bolded:
Originally Posted by halfwaycrazy View Post
. . . I did my best to express my reservations . . . tried to explain . . . I also tried to make it clear . . . while I didn't say it outright I was trying to explain . . . I should have made this more clear to begin with.

She drops hints . . . I was clueless . . . she kept talking about how he needed to go to sleep . . . which I really, really didn't get. I thought . . . she just wasn't interested. . . I wanted to wait until she went to bed and not make her feel uncomfortable, so I pushed him away . . . he asked me if it was okay to have dinner (our code for going down on someone) and I misunderstood and thought he meant me . . . told me to put the dog in the bedroom . . . I took this to mean . . . I wanted to trust that he was going to come in soon. He didn't . . . I walked back into the bedroom, incredibly hurt and confused. I wanted to shout, throw things . . . I had to leave to take a walk and get my head together so that I wouldn't blow up . . . in my haste I was loud and it was clear that I was upset . . . the mature thing to do would have been to talk to them.
So, my first question is: what do you two have against clear, direct communication? This, I think, is your biggest problem. All that subterfuge and vagueness! Oy, it makes my head spin. You're both so passive aggressive, with polite little code words and phrases (how about him just saying "I want to eat some pussy?" and then you asking, "mine or hers?"). It seems that each of you says something and hopes the other one will figure it out, and then you're left to walk on eggshells around each other because of misunderstandings. And then he finds another woman who does the same thing!

I think it would certainly benefit you to start saying it like it is, sister, and just come out and tell him what you want, ask if you're understood, admit you're confused, and so on. This all was actually painful to read.

Originally Posted by halfwaycrazy View Post
. . . since my abortion earlier this year (which was really traumatic all around) my sex drive has plummeted, which is part of why we're trying a more open relationship. I've only recently been feeling any sexual desire, and it's really hyper-focused on my partner.
It sounds like you think there's something wrong with only wanting to be with your partner. Nothing wrong with that, especially since you were traumatized. You want that closeness back with the person who means the most to you. Do you really think adding more people to have sex with is supposed to help your lowered desire after a traumatic experience? What kind of logic is this? No, no, no, dear heart. A relationship that has some cracks in its foundation cannot support adding more people to the mix. Do the healing work you need among the two of you and then, only when you both feel strong and well in yourselves, and have learned how to SPEAK UP CLEARLY about what you want, would it be best for you to open your relationship to more possibilities (in my opinion). Maybe some therapy or couples counseling would be helpful?

Originally Posted by halfwaycrazy View Post
He was upset and hurt, after a lot of conversation told me that he wasn't going to try to have sexual relationships with anyone but me, and that he was no longer interested in trying to be polyamorous. He said that it was too much drama, and told me that I wasn't ready to handle this sort of relationship. However, he also said that his desire for me for the time being had just been numbed due to everything that happened. He said that he wanted to wait until both of our sex drives come back before engaging in any sexual encounters at all.

I don't know what to do in this situation. I am of course going to respect his decision, but I still feel like I made a big mistake, and I feel helpless to change it. I know that due to the issues that I've been dealing with this hasn't been the most fun relationship, and I really want to bring that fun back in. Instead I feel like I've just created more problems and more drama.
So, "bringing the fun back" is all your responsibility and none of his? When was the last time your partner romanced you, took you out for a fun evening, showered you with adoring attention, and did things to let you know you are appreciated and sexy? The only way to make things fun again is for you to go along with the threesomes he wants? Huh? He has the right idea about not moving ahead with poly for a while, I feel, although it sounds like he was sort of scolding you about that. Not good.

There's this phrase in poly circles, which describes this misguided, mistaken idea people have: "Relationship broken, add people." The reasons that doesn't work are many. First, think of the burden you place on anyone you invite into your mess (I use that term figuratively, not to say your relationship is a mess... but you do have issues). That additional person's presence is now expected to fix it. Basically, a couple that does this has reduced that person to a toy or tool to be used as a Band-aid over stuff, issues, hurts, that the couple is responsible for working on themselves. Doing so negates that person's needs, desires, and autonomy, and then fucks with all your heads. It can't turn out to be anything other than a huge festering swamp of pain, drama, and ickiness.

The other reasons have to do with building a strong foundation within your existing relationship, as I stated above. Build self-esteem, learn better communication skills, work on trusting each other, know yourselves well, and renew your commitments to stand by each other and look out for the other, no matter what. So you're not ready for poly, open, or swinging -- there's nothing wrong with that. It sounds like your partner said that to you as if it were an insult or something bad. I don't think jealousy (the green-eyed monster) is even remotely the problem between you two. There's a whole lot of other shit going on, it would seem.

One thing for sure, though. Your partner has no reason to be angry with you and he needs to look at that. He was and is just as complicit in all the wishy-washy communicating and not-so-great choices that were made as you are. He needs to man up and take responsibility as your partner to be there for you while you recover from the pain of what you went through. Why should he just get to go out and fuck other people while you're in a fragile, emotional state or in need of resolving deeper issues. Where is the support? Where is the love and romance? Plus, I don't understand why he feels hurt. Is he just having a tantrum over not getting laid as often as he used to? The two of you would benefit greatly, I believe, from talking through all of this stuff, the pain, the anger, hurt, confusion, wanting closeness again, feeling abandoned (the both of you), etc.

I say all this to be helpful. I'm not judging, but I am direct and tell you what I see in the spirit of tough love, I hope you know.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 10-05-2011 at 05:04 AM.
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