Thread: BDsm
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Old 10-04-2011, 10:59 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Sure, I can understand enjoying not having any responsibilities. That's why people find it comforting, in many ways, to be hospitalized or incarcerated. Then they don't have to think for themselves. But just how, exactly, does it help someone grow and be more productive when someone else is making decisions for them?
Well, say a sub comes from a badly dysfunctional family. They may have never been allowed to make a decision as a child by their parents. (This was miss pixi's situation. She was so belittled by her father that she gave up making decisions, even to the point of not having a favorite ice cream flavor. She had to say she liked chocolate chip the best, b/c that was her dad's favorite.) So, they may have no idea how to decide on anything. A good M will get to know her sub well enough to be able to discern which decision would be most healthy and satisfactory for her s. Subs are also encouraged for creativity and rewarded for improvement. The idea is not eternal dependency in all areas, but growth and strength.

miss pixi and I know a D/s couple where the sub was once a quivering pile of jelly, and now after about 10 years of this relationship, she's going for her PhD.

Another element I wonder about. While I think it's perfectly fine to use some sort of role-playing scenario to work through psychological issues, at some point those issues need to be resolved for any personal growth to occur. Meaning, okay, time to let go and move on. After a certain point, it's just mental masturbation. As was said to me by a healer back in the 80s, we aren't meant to just accept what traits we're born with or what issues we struggle with, a human's purpose is to work through them and transcend them so they stop having a hold on us (even though such issues may never go away).
Yes, a D/s relationship can and does help with this. Of course, many subs have traditional therapy as well. But sometimes the greater intimacy of coupledom and the different kind of "therapy" D/s practice offers can aid in growth. If it impedes growth, it's not working.

When the framework that is used to address those issues revolves substantially around sex, and becomes an adopted lifestyle, there's a potential for obsession or a bit of addiction, which can keep those issues hanging around instead of getting resolved. Then the players become dependent upon this falsity for their identity and that can be very damaging, I believe. For example, let's say someone feels a lot of internal guilt, and turns to BDSM so they can get beaten and feel appropriately punished for whatever they feel guilty about. If they don't also look at their internal conflicts and resolve them, and eventually just enjoy getting off on the sensation of being beaten, they keep holding onto those feelings of guilt, and turn it into more of an intellectual exercise than a real emotion anymore. They likely will adopt a stance of "I have all this guilt inside me that I need to be punished for" and they make it a pronouncement about who they are, just so they can have pain inflicted on them again, rather than looking at something with the intent of healing it and letting it go so it doesn't have power over them. Then it becomes a dumb game and doesn't do them any good because they're stuck behind a label they've adopted, they say, "Oh, that's just who I am" instead of working through and transcending that guilt. I use guilt as an example because it can be so damaging. I don't mean to imply that this is what always happens or that everyone who's into BDSM goes into it blindly and doesn't work on their shit.
It could be guilt. It could be, say, a rape. D/s play will allow one to relive the issues, the daddy issue above, the rape, replay it even, but with control! The sub controls the daddy play, the rape fantasy, and it helps him or her to work through it and come out the other side healed.

I guess what scares me about BDSM is that the people participating are amateurs without the guidance of real professional knowledge, and people do put themselves in very vulnerable positions where they can get hurt, both physically and psychologically.
Yes, improper D/s play such as bondage or beating carries an element of risk and can be harmful if done wrong. That is why there are classes, books and websites galore about how to play safely, sanely and consensually. Only fools don't proceed with caution.

How would you really know that the person Domming has any clue what is good for you, especially if they don't know you very well and are just following some standard ideas of what Domming is supposed to be about? It scares me to think that there are misguided, vulnerable people out there who submit themselves to Doms they don't know well, who are into it to satisfy their own egos and not necessarily to support the Submissive one. I don't think it's a good idea for very young people to get into it 24/7 because it seems one would really have to know oneself extremely well before doing so.
Agreed. Good D/s people do a lot of negotiating before playing.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)
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