Help me kill the green eyed monster!
I apologize for this being long and rambly. I originally wrote it for therapeutic purposes, and then realized I could really use some good advice. I'm happy to clarify anything.
So I'm feeling like a failure as a partner, lover and friend. My partner and I have been trying out having an open/poly/swinger relationship, and last night, I freaked out.
He brought home a woman with whom we'd had our first threesome (and it went pretty damn well) after having gone out to a club with her. I knew that this was happening, and I did my best to express my reservations. I've been having a really bad week emotionally, and my mental health isn't at it's best point. I asked him to let her know this, and tried to explain that I would be on my best behavior, but that it can be hard to predict how I'm going to react when I'm cycling (our word for whatever it is that happens) like that. I also tried to make it clear that I had work to do, and while I didn't say it outright I was trying to explain that my focus really couldn't be on a fun night of sex, as getting ready for the opening this week is requiring a lot of my energy (which yes, isn't the healthiest way of looking at things but it's hard enough to get myself to work right now as it is without dealing with an emotionally demanding and unfamiliar encounter). I should have made this more clear to begin with.
So he brings her back home, and things are okay. Awkward, but most social interactions are awkward for me. She drops hints that she's interested in me (I had to be told this later as I was clueless at the time. There was a part of me that registered it, but it wasn't a big enough part that I was really able to take any action) but she kept talking about how he needed to go to sleep because he had work tomorrow and that she had to get up in the morning. Apparently she was asking for one on one time with me, which I really, really didn't get. I thought because she was trying to send my partner to bed that she just wasn't interested. The idea in engaging in something without him just hadn't crossed my mind. Not that I'm not interested in her, I am, but since my abortion earlier this year (which was really traumatic all around) my sex drive has plummeted, which is part of why we're trying a more open relationship. I've only recently been feeling any sexual desire, and it's really hyper-focused on my partner.
To get back to the point, I wasn't thinking in terms of excluding him, and so I was having an even harder time understanding her intentions. He was trying to become sexual with me, but because I thought that she wasn't interested I wanted to wait until she went to bed and not make her feel uncomfortable, so I pushed him away. We all shared massages and that was really about it. Well, when she finally went to the couch to sleep he was out there setting up her bed, and then he sat down and they starting talking. When I came out he asked me if it was okay to have dinner (our code for going down on someone) and I misunderstood and thought he meant me. I stroked under his chin, leading towards me, which was my tiny attempt at being seductive and calling him to the bedroom. He then told me to put the dog in the bedroom as he was being a problem. I took this to mean that he wanted me to take him in the bedroom and wait, so that's what I did.
No noise but laughter came from outside, but I really didn't want to think about it. I wanted to trust that he was going to come in soon. He didn't. I walked out into the hall and saw their legs intertwined. I walked back into the bedroom, incredibly hurt and confused. I wanted to shout, throw things. I didn't know what to do. I tried to hold myself together and finally just felt like I had to leave to take a walk and get my head together so that I wouldn't blow up. I tried to slip out, but in my haste I was loud and it was clear that I was upset. I know that the mature thing to do would have been to talk to them, but by that point I wasn't really thinking straight.
My partner wound up following me out and calling it all off. He was upset and hurt, after a lot of conversation told me that he wasn't going to try to have sexual relationships with anyone but me, and that he was no longer interested in trying to be polyamorous. He said that it was too much drama, and told me that I wasn't ready to handle this sort of relationship. However, he also said that his desire for me for the time being had just been numbed due to everything that happened. He said that he wanted to wait until both of our sex drives come back before engaging in any sexual encounters at all.
I don't know what to do in this situation. I am of course going to respect his decision, but I still feel like I made a big mistake, and I feel helpless to change it. I know that due to the issues that I've been dealing with this hasn't been the most fun relationship, and I really want to bring that fun back in. Instead I feel like I've just created more problems and more drama. I've now started doing research on how to handle situations like this in a poly relationship, and I've started looking at information for newly poly people, but he doesn't even want to talk about what happened, and considers it a closed case.
Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated, honestly about any subjects covered.
Last edited by halfwaycrazy; 10-05-2011 at 12:17 AM.