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Old 10-03-2011, 08:32 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Originally Posted by cuddlecakes View Post
But then what? You just state your... "wishes" and if the other person doesn't respect them, you.... talk about it?
It's not a one way street, or it should be.

1. You communicate clearly what it is you want, and what it is you need. You need to tell her and she needs to understand what you mean. This alone doesn't obligate her to anything and you shouldn't expect it to. Your goal shouldn't be to try to control her. She will do what she most wants to do; but by expressing your needs and wishes you make sure she is able to take them into consideration.

2. She should express what she thinks about your needs and wishes. She doesn't have to agree to anything she doesn't want to. Are you expecting her to agree to everything? Do you ever take a critical look at your wishes; what motivates them? Is she allowed to do that? It is her responsibility to speak up, if she feels like a need/want of yours is such that she can't or won't do that. Otherwise she's being dishonest. However, it is your mutual responsibility to create an environment within your relationship where you both can do that.

3. If she doesn't respect your agreements (/rules), you should do a lot of thinking and talking around WHY. What part of the above process isn't working? Are you not clear in what you want/need? Didn't she understand you?

If your communication worked, did she expect herself to be able to do something and agreed, and then failed at that? That's called a mistake, which she should learn from and perhaps not make that agreement again. Or did she agree to something, she knew she wouldn't keep. That's called lying and you should be alarmed. If she lied, WHY is that? Is it because she is afraid of you leaving her if she voices her opinion? Is it because you expect her to always do everything you wish, i.e. she has to agree to everything? Or is it because she doesn't care about what you want or what you feel, has no respect for you, and only thinks about herself? Or some other option I didn't come to think about?

When you find out what the reason is, you can decide what to do about the issue. Some of them are things you can work on, some of them she needs to work on, some are common problems. Very possibly you both need to do some work to make it work. Good luck.
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