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Old 10-03-2011, 07:48 AM
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sagency sagency is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: U.S. Pacific Northwest
Posts: 133

Rules, boundaries, blah deblahs. It seems you're asking about semantics, but you're talking about desires.

The simple truth is that people want different levels of rules (guidelines, boundaries, whatever). Sometimes those levels are pretty close. It sounds like you and your gf are not close on the desire-for-rules. I suspect some of your anxiety stems from this disparity. After all, if she wanted rules like you do, would you be her talking to us about semantics? No.

So you two have differing rules-desire levels. Thus is neither good nor bad. It's how you react to it that matters. Guess what? Getting anxious about rules... Not good. Forcing rules... Not good. But neither is abandoning rules.

The alternative to making rules is being clear about what you want, what you need, and how you feel to the point where your partner can accurately predict how you would respond to a situation. Then, if the partner is respectful, you likely have minimal problems. If your partner is not respectful, then the issue is either what you need versus what she can provide or the lack of respect. In order to be clear you must be proactive and speak in concrete terms. No hazy, wishy-washy bullshit. If you can't put into words what you need, then don't get your panties in a knot over not getting whatever mysterious thing it was you didn't articulate.

Frankly, it's not clear if you're actually willing to accept her having the freedom to be poly or open without your preconditions (rules, guidelines, consequences, procedures, methodologies, practices, instructions, charts, diagrams, etc.). It seems an awful lot like you're wanting more from her than she's giving you. It would follow then that trying to find ways to apply rules to her is a tactic to inject more control rather than just stating what you really feel. What is it that you actually want? What's the gap between where you are now and where you want ti be?
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