BlackUnicorn, I'm attempting to think things ahead, and not pinning my hopes on this one date. I think that having a date I was *actually excited about* is what triggered the feelings. I wanted to deal with them as they came up, so that when I am ready to talk with someone about what kind of committment we may wish to offer one another, I am prepared. I should have been more clear in my original post.
Also, this particular date has several aquaintances in common with myself, and I would prefer that he hear about my lover from me rather than from someone else and believe that I am hiding it from him. Therefore, if this date goes well, I'd like to be able to mention it sooner than later.
Rory, thank you for the clarity with which you restated my points, and the questions you posed to me. They are helpful in my process.
Yes, I would like something that can grow to be more serious. I think I'm unlikely to marry a second time, and I'm no longer looking for "the one" as I was before I married. But I would like committment to be there for one another in all situations. I think I would like a live-in situation, and sharing finances and life goals.
I know from experience that a couple of lighter relationships does not work for me. I'm very happy with my lover, but balancing him with other lovers makes me unhappy.... or at least that particular experience did. Balancing him with my husband was relatively easy. My lover's family treats me like family, (and when we were together, included my husband as well). I think it is a lovely situation, but it is structured so that I am "secondary", and because of that I can't ever expect to live in, share finances, or be committed. If, for instance, one of them got a great job opportunity in the North Pole, they would decide what is best for them, and I would not be consulted. Absolutely, I'd like to continue to see my lover, because I enjoy it.
As for dealing with it if/when a potential BF might take a lover, I know that those fears come from my experiences with my husband. As it turned out, he was not very respectful of my preferences when choosing and introducing a partner. I felt very betrayed, and I'm fearful of the same behaviour in others. I guess that speaks about my choices, and how important it is to insist upon partnering only with someone who will be respectful around my comfort zone. And it's my responsibility to know my own zone, so to speak.
A few things I know:
- I need sexual safety: clean test results and barrier protection.
I need my partners to be interested in stability (I can't handle a string of new people in my life. I will try to get attached to a metamour, and I need to know he/she has the possibility/intention to stay in my life for some time.)
I want a family atmosphere.
I need friendship/love with the people I fuck.
I want a primary lover.
I want to be able to flirt & maybe make out with my friends.
I need to be able to honestly share my attraction to others with my partners.
I need to feel respected and honoured by my partners.
Actually, that's more than a few things, and I'm starting to feel better already... I've turned the fears back around into my choices and priorities. Thanks to both Blackunicorn and Rory for commenting and helping me clear things out.