View Single Post
  #20  
Old 10-01-2011, 11:34 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,914
Default

Gosh, CC, in reading through this thread and seeing your rules and the rationales behind them, it seems to me you want to keep a really short leash on your gf and in ways that are somewhat unrealistic or a tad overbearing. It doesn't surprise me that she's broken them.

I think that if you two have agreed to be polyamorous and open, that there has to be some leeway for the unexpected to happen. You say you want information about what's been going on with a guy before she hooks up with him, so that you don't have any surprises because that feel like cheating to you. But how about the possibility that her life is her own and she doesn't need to report back to you every little flirtation that happens. AND instead of wanting some sort of insurance against surprises, accept that there will be surprises. Your feeling hurt by her spontaneously getting together with a guy without you knowing about it beforehand is totally on YOU. She is not hurting you; she is being herself and living her life while you are choosing to feel hurt by it.

You say you've been together for a year. It sounds to me like you both have very different ideas about what kind of relationship you want, and about how you see the relationship you have. You seem more inclined toward poly, while she seems more inclined toward being open. She wants to have certain freedoms to be happy, and you want certain restrictions to be happy. She's tried it your way and couldn't conform to your rules as well as you'd hoped. Maybe you should try it her way and back off from the rule-making and knowing every little thing. It seems some of them are to insure she's safe, but they also seem a little heavy-handed anyway. I don't know why it's necessary that she call you after every date. Mature, responsible behavior doesn't always require reporting back and providing all details before and after. Why isn't it enough to know she's dating other people and will inform you about it if and when she is moved to do so? As long as when she's with you, you have her full attention? Also, do you see other people, too? That might help relieve some of your worrying about her.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote