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Old 10-01-2011, 01:08 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,021

Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
Sometimes I just don't think I'm cut out for any relationship... at all.
Reading your post, I kind of agree. We can't love another well unless we love ourselves. All is not lost, however. You can improve your self esteem, but it will take work, and probably lots of therapy and reading of pertinent books.

So this was the big weekend with my BF and GF, and it hasn't gone badly... for them, but I am in emotional hell, and I think it's all self inflicted.
Yes. It is.

... From the time she walked through the door, I started picking MYSELF apart.

She's more open, she's smarter, she's WAY prettier, she has this amazing body and doesn't work on it whereas I kill myself in the gym 5 days a week and still have cellutite, she speaks multiple languages fluently, she has this amazing fashion gene where she knows what looks great on her without any real thought whereas it takes me 2 hours to find a decent pair of socks to wear... the list goes on and on. As we walked through the restaurant I felt like all the men were looking at her and wondering why I was even in the picture (I caught myself actually walking behind them because I felt too ugly to be with them.) Seriously, by the time we finished dinner, I literally wanted to throw myself off a ledge.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! I really try to be a confident woman, but I just felt fat, dumb and ugly the longer we were together.
Yikes! You should read cuddlecakes' threads. He also compares himself negatively to his gf's other lover(s). We all have our gifts and drawbacks. Other people do too. She's not perfect, and physical beauty is only skin deep.

I want to order you to make a list of GOOD things about you. Your physical beauty, your intellectual, emotional, artistic and spiritual gifts.

Ask both of your partners to tell you what it is they like/love/are attracted to about you. Write them down and put the list on your refrigerator. As you think of them, add more of your good qualities that they didn't mention. Read this list every time you pass or open the fridge. I'm serious. Replacing negative self talk with positive self talk is crucial.

It was ALL ME.
Yes. Good that you are starting to take responsibility for your own ungrounded fears and self flagellation.

...I wonder if I should tell him about my insecurities, but I HATE admiting that this amazing woman (who I care about) makes me feel like this little inadequate person when I'm with them together.
She doesn't "make you feel" anything. Those feelings come from within you.

Again, I am afraid that he's going to think that I'm bringing too much drama to the table.
Self-deprecatingly calling your fears and insecurities "drama" will keep you feeling inadequate. Your feelings are important. You need to work on them. Your bf and gf need to know you are having them, but YOU need to work on them, find their root, and banish them.

So where does that leave me? ...Am I just being a wet blanket again? Or am I doomed to just live with dysfunctionality in relationships mono/poly/with the dog.... (stupid joke) AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!!!!!
You're not doomed! You can change. You can learn to love and value yourself. We call it "being one's own primary." This is a critical quality one needs to manage polyamory (and any other type of love-style or friendship).
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving Pixie (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom for 3+ years

Last edited by Magdlyn; 10-01-2011 at 01:11 PM.
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