Here We Go Again
Sometimes I just don't think I'm cut out for any relationship... at all.
So this was the big weekend with my BF and GF, and it hasn't gone badly... for them, but I am in emotional hell, and I think it's all self inflicted. I thought this would be the weekend that my GF and I tell our BF how we feel about each other and then how we feel about him and we will live polyamourously happily ever after. Not happening for me.
Don't get me wrong. I was happy to see her...I was happy to see him, but all three together is literally killing me. Our BF kinda let me call the shots with scheduling, and after talking to all, we decided that last night was our together night. From the time she walked through the door, I started picking MYSELF apart.
She's more open, she's smarter, she's WAY prettier, she has this amazing body and doesn't work on it whereas I kill myself in the gym 5 days a week and still have cellutite, she speaks multiple languages fluently, she has this amazing fashion gene where she knows what looks great on her without any real thought whereas it takes me 2 hours to find a decent pair of socks to wear... the list goes on and on. As we walked through the restaurant I felt like all the men were looking at her and wondering why I was even in the picture (I caught myself actually walking behind them because I felt too ugly to be with them.) Seriously, by the time we finished dinner, I literally wanted to throw myself off a ledge.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! I really try to be a confident woman, but I just felt fat, dumb and ugly the longer we were together. Then I had to endure another couple of hours of us all lying in bed together watching a movie before she finally left. It was PAINFUL.
The thing is, I care about her and I care about him so I feel AWFUL that I'm even feeling this way. Neither of them did anything to actually make me go off the deep end (well listening to them fuck in the next room while I was getting ready to go to dinner didn't help). It was ALL ME.
...and today I have to endure ROUND TWO. As I type this I wonder if I should tell him about my insecurities, but I HATE admiting that this amazing woman (who I care about) makes me feel like this little inadequate person when I'm with them together. Again, I am afraid that he's going to think that I'm bringing too much drama to the table.
Maybe I just don't have what it takes to do this. I care about them both and love spending time with them individually, but I still can't wrap myself around this whole triad thing, which is his ultimate goal.
I don't want to BE selfish, but I think I am a little selfish. I can take having dinner with them, but my threshold ends there. I want everyone to be happy, but I'm miserable. Last night after my BF went to sleep I went in the bathroom and cried for over an hour.
So where does that leave me? I can't have a functional monogamous relationship (face it, men cheat), so I am open enough to allow a guy to have sex with other women if that floats his boat, I can even endure a dinner with the other woman (if I have to), but the sex in the other room in my presence... no thanks. Be reminded that this is totally contradictory to a little threesome action we had a couple of months ago. It was fun, but I don't think I want that to be a regular occurrence.
Have I set the wrong expectations? Am I just being a wet blanket again? Or am I doomed to just live with dysfunctionality in relationships mono/poly/with the dog.... (stupid joke) AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!!!!!