A note to start... this isn't about poly and I will absolutely not mind if anyone skips right on over it and starts reading again when I've gotten back to talking about the lovely folks in my signature line.
As I've gotten more comfortable on this blog and on this board, I've started to speak more specifically and more freely about my life. As anyone who's ever lived in any kind of closet can attest, it's hard to be honest and open in general if you're always holding back about some aspect of yourself. And besides, this is an anonymous forum on the internet... why should I censor myself?
So I've begun speaking here and there about D/s -- domination and submission. D/s means one partner giving control to another in some way, great or small, sexual or otherwise, short term or long term. D/s has been an important part of my internal landscape for a long time, and it has played a role in some of my relationships, though by no means all.
When I began mentioning D/s more here, I worried that some people might be confused or even disturbed, but I figured, hey, this is my blog, this is an anonymous message board, we're all adults who can accept relationship constructs that are outside of the mainstream (otherwise what would we be doing on a poly website), so, again, why hold back?
However, it's come to my attention on another thread that some people do, in fact, find at least some D/s practices confusing, disturbing, or even, "pathological" even if the partners are consenting, safe and respectful. Sad face.
So, I decided to write more about it here. I had a mental image that made me laugh of me leaving the other thread and saying "If anyone needs me I'll be on my blog" like a kid walking away in a huff and yelling that they'll be in their room. Heh.
So. Why D/s? Well.
When I was a young teenager I started secretly reading my mom's romance novels. I read a bunch, and in one in particular a woman is kidnapped and made a man's sexual slave before she's rescued by her handsome and daring lover. And I found I was really, really stuck on the whole "sexual slave" thing. I mean, I *was* a precocious kid, but this was middle school and there I was daydreaming in class about what I can now recognize as elaborate BDSM fantasies. Not exactly normal I guess, but then I've never seen "normal" as something to strive for.
I imagined, without the vocabulary to really describe it, that when I was grown up and had a partner, we would take turns. I would live for a year as his or her slave and then we'd switch and he or she would live for a year as my slave. Just to try it out, see which we liked best. It seemed simple and obvious to me then. It wasn't just a sex thing, though sex was included. Without ever having read about the BDSM lifestyle, or power exchange, or 24/7 D/s, I'd imagined it and I knew what I wanted.
As I grew older I drew back from these ideas. Sure, I knew I had kink in my heart, but I could and did vigorously enjoy vanilla sex and relationships, and I recognized, correctly, that my innocent dreams were a LOT more complicated and intense in real life than I had taken into account. So, I didn't really pursue it beyond occasional play in the bedroom.
Still, I read things... Anne Rice's Exit to Eden and her Sleeping Beauty Trilogy, for example. Both stories absolutely captivated me. And I found that I got a special sort of happiness when I saw queer love depicted in the media, when I saw poly love depicted, and when I saw D/s love depicted. I felt a special bond with those ideas, and a knowledge that, whether I chose a path that led me to them or not, they were part of my identity.
Then there was Gia. Ah, Gia. My story with her is chronicled here, of course. She, Eric and I did some kink stuff in the bedroom but not much, really... mostly we just had hot vanilla sex but with three people. But when we *did* do BDSM stuff, even just a little (tying up, holding down), I felt especially excited and drawn to her and connected to her.
Then, about a year into our relationship, we were all at a week long camping event. We were camped with some veeery kinky people, so kink was on my mind. And my roommates had recently made kink a bigger part of their marriage, so kink was, again, on my mind. And I found myself thinking about how much I wanted to call Gia "My Lady" and how much I wanted to serve her and do whatever she told me to do and just be owned by her. But I wasn't sure how or when to share those desires.
One night, we were all sitting around a campfire. Gia was sitting on a wooden bench and I had settled at her feet. I had some lotion with me and I was rubbing her feet and then kissing her feet and I felt so ecstatic and fulfilled and perfect. But then she pulled away and I didn't know whether it was because she was uncomfortable and didn't like what was happening or whether it was for some other reason. I got positively frantic inside. I couldn't take not knowing. I'd gone from extreme positive to extreme negative and it showed me just how much I craved that dynamic with her. It wasn't a foot fetish thing, it was the idea of service, of being below her, of giving myself over to taking care of her needs and letting her lead me as she saw fit.
At the next opportunity to get her alone I took her aside and we talked about it. I told her how much I wanted to sub to her and she told me she wanted to try her hand at domming with me but was a bit intimidated by the idea. I figured, no problem, we can go slow.
Then she got pregnant and, well, things changed. Slow became stop, and that was about a year ago now.
But let's back up.
I got so frustrated, about all of it. I came here to talk some of it out, and I also joined my friend JD on a trip to a bondage club. JD was a regular there, but I had never been to such a place and wasn't sure it was for me.
It was there I met Harry. We talked for a while, with others around, snacking in the non-dungeon area. I felt drawn to him, and like I could trust him, and I was curious, so... I asked if he wanted to try some of the interesting implements I'd seen on me. He said yes, and that was how I ended up being bound and publicly flogged, paddled and spanked (all by him) for the first time. It was intense, and not all of it was strictly pleasurable, but the pain made his hands gently brushing against my back feel *so* soothing afterwards. I was enraptured and, to his surprise, I ended up taking him to a private area and blowing him that night. Yum!
We ended up becoming friends after that and seeing each other regularly. He would dominate me and fuck me and I would rub his back then we would talk and get some food and watch a movie.
I wish you all could meet Harry. He's Canadian, and the sweetest, most straightforward and helpful guy you could meet. He's talented, competent, confident yet has vulnerability that he let's you see as you get closer to him. Since he was a kid, he's had visions of bound women with him in charge. He's in no way macho or controlling outside of D/s play. But he lives to help women discover and explore their wildest, darkest fantasies. He loves to create a safe space where they can give him control and he can take them on journeys. He seeks out intelligent, assertive, even dominant women who want to submit to him, and he sees "Master" as a part of his core identity. He tried to give it all up once for a woman he loved who wasn't into it. He lived without that part of himself, and without poly, in a mono, vanilla marriage for 3 years. Ultimately he was miserable and had to leave. This last year he's been coming back into himself and it's beautiful to see.
Harry and I never really got this far in practice, but we discussed the idea of taking D/s outside of the bedroom and then some. Me, say, polishing his shoes, him playing with me psychologically. Maybe for just a day he could put a collar and we'd go out together and he'd own me and I'd do whatever he said. Power exchange.
I was interested in finally, finally, trying out some of my long-held imaginings in real life, but I wasn't ready to go there with him, especially since I worried that I was exploring these things with him in no small part because what I really wanted and couldn't have was to explore them with Gia... like in a way it wasn't really about him and I'd be using him if I let us get in too deep.
Then I commited to Davis and stepped back from Harry and yadda yadda you know that story. (continued)