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Old 09-30-2011, 09:15 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Annabel, I agree with you that all of the stuff is something that can be worked out. The metamour relationships are all platonic. The things Mya quoted are factors in why I believe it will also stay that way.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Didn't one of you start a thread a while back looking for feedback on moving in together?
Hmm, I don't think so... I think it was somebody else, since the possibility of co-habitation has been so far in the future for us, anyway.

Neither me or Alec have ever lived with roommates. I think the thought of living with another man feels weird to him. But we talked about hypothetical situations, and I asked him whether he would feel comfortable living with, say, Mya's girlfriend (if she had one), and he said he wouldn't want that either. From what I understand, it's about closeness. I guess he would feel like he has a closer relationship to a metamour because he loves me and I love her. So it wouldn't feel so weird living with somebody I love so much. But with metamour's partner there isn't a link that close: that is a person who is loved by a person that I love. He relates to my feelings in a different way, I guess, because he loves me and thinks of me as family, and he would be able to feel that a person I love is his family, too. With a metamour's partner it's different: while Alec can understand that they are somebody she loves, he can't feel the connection in the same way.

Thank you for that question, Nycindie, I hadn't really had time to think about what might be behind it. I knew it was about the closeness, because I asked him, and he also gave an example that his best friend from childhood is the only friend he has he could imagine living with. I think I understand Alec a bit better now that I've thought about this more.

We've had a few weekends of the kind of time you describe when we've visited each other, and it's been a lot of fun. However, all the people who aren't romantically involved are still getting to know each other, so I think it would be too soon for us to go to that kind of a trip together yet. I think it's best to keep on doing what we've been doing previously: to spend time in a group when that happens naturally. I feel it's good to take things slow and get used to the whole situation, so that it doesn't feel overwhelming. There's still three years until we'll be living in the same city, and I think by then everybody will know each other pretty well and poly won't feel as new and odd as it does now when it's only been six months. All of that is good because we'll be obviously seeing a lot more of each other, but also all of us will have our own spaces and own lifes in the same place, so that they are free to choose how to spend time and who to spend it with. I think it's important that nobody feels pressured. I guess I see how often it can intensify conflict and blow things up when things move fast. I rather put a lot of time in building the base for poly, particularly since it's new to all of us, so that by the time it's done it won't be very much affected by any conflicts there may be.
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