We went out last night and had a great night talking. We identified some things that are certain to be possible causes. The good thing is that she still loves me. She assumed since she could not get aroused I would want to leave her or the marriage should just end but I told her this was wrong.
We identified some possible causes:
- There are still underlying resentment for hurt we caused each other
- This problem did not start when she started with her OSO. It started 6 years ago.
- She can still orgasm but she doesn't get aroused. Example would be "wet" or feel it etc.
- We introduced toys to her sex life which possibly took the intimacy out of the time spent
- I have put too much pressure on her to achieve orgasm.
- I sometimes have been unsupporting of her relationship with her OSO
- I have not paid enough attention to her recently. Too much OSO and not enough SO.
We both agreed that we have work to do but it's worth the effort because we love each other. I understand that if she is to get that back it has to come naturally and I can't make her feel pressured. I will do what it takes.
It truly was a great evening. We did not end up having sex but she asked. It was a rough day for her because the kids got her up early so I was fine with that.
Now the interesting question. Can she get that back for me while she has an OSO that she is physical with?
She is thinking of cutting the relationship off so she can just work on us but that mean I cut my OSO relationship off. Since this problem did not start with her OSO but with me many years ago I tend to think we don't have to stop.
Oh man this poly stuff is really tough sometimes but very positive. The problem is out, we are talking instead of it hiding for years and possibly ending much worse.
ps. and a BIG thank you to everyone who replied. I have been really upset about this but thanks to people like you offering support I am able to get help.