I don't know if I want this lifestyle...
Hi all, I needed some advice.
I began seeing a man that was in a monogamous, but long term relationship. They had been on the rocks and he was a long time friend of mine that was living with me, and he was there for me through a lot of personal issues. It started out as just a physical thing. Yes, it was cheating. Overlooking this, I do need help with the bigger issue.
After they broke it off "officially" I let myself have feelings for him. I let him in and let my walls down. I began to fall for him. He was never a person I had imagined being with - not my type at all. And I wasn't someone he'd have imagined being with either. He fell for me too. Those 8-10 months we were together (only around 3 that were really exclusive with us after the break up) we fell in love with each other. We started a life together and made plans for the future. To be honest, I had never been so happy. We worked together in a way that I had never experienced in any other relationship. Though, it had started out as a purely physical thing, and I knew he would leave when she came back, and I was okay with knowing that he wasn't mine. But after they broke up we were a perfect couple. Everything was great. I didn't have to let him go anymore.
She started talking to him again, and he told me about his conflicting feelings. I understood, even empathized with him. She was there first. His past few years had been with her. I was new, and never expected it to happen. But I understood. We had watched "Big Love" - sorry if that show is offensive to anyone because of it's generic or stereotypical or idealized outlook or whatever - but the point is that we had joked and almost considered it when we watched the show. I saw how a poly relationship could be beneficial to a family, and how much support it offered.
So when he brought it up because he couldn't choose (after much crying, sharing feelings, and long, long discussions) I agreed. Sure, I'd been in open relationships before. I could share. I'd even considered allowing a boyfriend a secondary before. I'm really open minded. So I said yes, he could go see her and bring her back. And he did. They came back even though she wasn't okay with it. She and I had been friends before. I cared about her, and she cared about me. We did have our issues with each other over him and the situation, but we were both willing to move past it. But when they came back, he told me that he couldn't lose her. She was not okay with it. She wanted me in her life, but not like that. He had to do something if he could to not lose her. So I was to be the friend, that he could love, and hug, and nothing else.
It killed me. The month we stayed together in a studio apartment drove me to the edge. It got worse every day. I couldn't watch them be together knowing he couldn't be mine too. It wasn't that they were together, but rather that I wasn't allowed to be part of it, or be his. I couldn't call him my boyfriend, I couldn't get much of any kind of slightly-more-than-platonic physical attention. It killed me. So I left. I moved away, and they ended up moving away too.
Fast forward a month after I moved back to my hometown, 400 miles from the town we'd lived in, and two states away from where they moved to. He tells me that he can't look at her without seeing me. He can't stop thinking about me. And I feel like it's just because I'm not there. Just like how he missed her when she wasn't there. Watching them be together without being able to be with him too (in a relationship sense, not sexually - I didn't care about that) was agony.
I don't know that this is something I want anymore. I don't know that I want that life anymore. I want someone that only wants me, and doesn't want to share me or be shared. I want someone that I can be with anytime without any restrictions or sharing. I want a "normal" life. But I can't help but remember a time that I thought that polyamory would work. I remember thinking it could be a good thing for me, my (2 1/2 year old) daughter, and my boyfriend and sister girlfriend. I just can't help but want something "normal" and someone to myself.
What do I do? I don't know what I want. Please give me some input on this situation. I really need help.
I would never have considered sharing him if it hadn't happened this way. She was with him first, but left him and I was with him as his girlfriend, but then she came back. It made it more acceptable to me. I wouldn't ever want him to look for another girlfriend to join us. But I also have prospects that only want me, and don't want to share. I could have a chance at something where I was the only one. And I want that so badly. Which is why it's so hard. I don't want that life, though I did at the time. I want to be the only one, and to not have to delegate days or times when he spends time with either of us. I want to be the "only one".
Last edited by lovedandlost; 09-28-2011 at 10:53 AM.
Reason: I forgot!