Originally Posted by nycindie
Eh, don't be too hard on them. They only passed along what they themselves were taught.
Thanks for writing nycindie.
Yeah, I know what you mean and agree with you. And I didn't mean to say that it's intentional, I know for a fact it isn't. I just feel that I've done a lot of work in reprogramming myself out of some stuff, and still it's sometimes surprising when I notice how much work there is.
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore
Hey Rory, I agree with you, it sounds.like the communication skills in your relationship are really strong, kudos.
I have to admit, I'm very curious -- "But he is now thinking about the future and about what it is that he wants or needs, and some boundaries are starting to take shape around that." -- are you up to sharing any details on this?
Hi Annabel, thanks for writing!
I hadn't had time to communicate the new things to Mya when I was last writing so I didn't go to much detail, but I'm happy to write some more about that now.
First we were discussing about how the time-sharing is going to work now that Mya will be staying here for a week once a month. Alec is working long days and he was worried that on those weeks he won't see any of me if I'll be sleeping the most nights with Mya. But I explained it to him as I had thought to arrange it, so that I will spend a substantial part of the evening alone with the one of them I'm not sleeping with. I definitely want to have some alone time with both of them every day (and I think they want that too), and I don't think it will be too hard to arrange. Alec felt a bit weird that Mya will be visiting us but I won't keep her company all the time. But the excact difference with this situation is that Mya is only sort of 'visiting' and sort of living here for the week. It's not supposed to be a special occasion but more like everyday life, and she won't be expecting for me to keep her company all the time just as she wouldn't expect it if we were all living together. I think Alec understands that point of view a bit better now, and I think the 'oddness' factor will subside with time. We settled that on the weeks Mya visits I'll be sleeping every third night with Alec and the rest with Mya, i.e. two and five nights. On one hand, he would have hoped for a more equal sharing but, on the other, he does completely understand that me and Mya need to take more time together when she visits cause it'll be three weeks then until we'll see each other again.
That got us talking about what the situation will be like once all of us are living in the same city. I still have three years left in my studies here before we are planning that. Alec has some fears/worries about that, some more and some less realistic. He has no problems with me spending time with Mya, and is happy for me for the love I've found in her. But he's worried about having enough time with me. For one, he expressed fear that I'll spend more of my time with Mya than him since that's what I do when she visits. He does realise himself, though, that this fear is irrational, and that the reason for the unequal time-sharing is the excact fact that we are not living near each other. Therefore I would, for example, obviously sleep more than every third night with him if we were all living very close to each other. I'm glad he expressed that fear, though, since I was able to reassure him about that.
What he's mostly wondering, though, is how much time I'll have for him in the new situation, how much is going to change, and what are his needs in regards to that. One example Alec gave was that I would be living with him for two days, then gone for two, then again he'll see me for a couple and then away again, etc. He said he's not ready for that kind of scenario, and doesn't think he'll ever be, so there is clearly a boundary there. But that's not really what I want either. I don't want two separate relationships, and I definitely don't think it would work for me to compartmentalise my life like that. Rather, I would like to spend a lot of time with both Mya and Alec being present, whether it's group time with all four of us or with the three of us hanging out at home or going somewhere, whatever. The point is that I don't need to divide my time to either one but I'll be able to share much of it with both of them. Obviously all of us need couple-time, too, but it's still a different picture. Still, these things are something we need to get back to, and I guess we won't get the whole picture until we are actually living in the same city. But Alec is worried that we'll have problems arising in the future with incompatible needs. I'm pretty optimistic that we'll be able to find a solution that will feel good to all four people involved.
We also talked about the possibility of living in a poly household, and Alec has some boundaries about that (as I'm sure I do, too, I just don't know yet where they lie). Alec said he doesn't see himself wanting to ever live together in a household with all four of us. We talked about some hypothetical situations, and it seems that he could see himself living with a metamour, but not with a metamour's partner, no matter who they are. Also, he feels that 4 adults living in the same household would just be too much for him. This does put some limitations to the possibilities in the future. But if it's something he doesn't feel comfortable with, I will respect that. I'm not sure at this point if I would've wanted to live together with all four of us at some point (propably), but I know that it's not a need
for me. There are plenty of other arrangements where I can share my everyday life with my loves, and I'm sure I can be happy with any of those. What I do want is to live close, and be able to see both of them every day. Although, I don't need that either (couldn't really be in an LDR if I did, and obviously we'll have other important commitments and want to travel separetely, etc.), but it's definitely among my priorities.