Thread: paradise lost?
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Old 09-27-2011, 07:58 PM
LFP LFP is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 4

Folks, thanks so much, you’re all really amazing. I’ve gotten more useful and spot-on advice in 24hrs from you guys than any session with a professional psychologist would have yielded. Amazing, really. Hail to the hive-mind!

Here are some more thoughts:
I should probably clarify that yes, I am talking to my gf about my feelings, and she knows that I haven’t been feeling so great lately, and tried to do everything to make it work also for me.

One thing that really struck me was that both AnnabelMore and Anneintherain thought that 2-3 nights were already quite a lot. I, in my naivety, thought, well, if she has a new partner he has the same rights as I do, and I don’t want to be unfair or possessive, so it’ll have to be 50-50. I know, doh! I’ll try to talk this out with the two of them, and we'll see where we’re settling and what'll work, but now I know that the ‘negotiations’ do not necessarily have to start at the half-way point.

I also like the idea of ‘scheduling’ romantic/ positive time together with my gf, to sort of compensate for the ‘lost’ time, and don’t let the quality time be drowned in chores and family activities. This sounds like a healthy thing to do in general (and we have been doing something like that previously), but in this case it might be even more important and we should do it more consciously (which might also make me feel better/ give me something to look forward to).

As for dating… I guess I’ll go with Sagencys suggestion for now. I don’t feel like running of and meeting other people right now, with all the emotional mess I’m in. I guess I’ll have to get my act together first… and maybe things change when we eventually come out to our friends…

Wrt that I also liked bellas comment of not having to wholeheartedly advertise poly. I guess that was the political activist in me speaking… with our friends I’m always the radical one trying to ‘convince’ them that things can be done differently. But it wouldn’t be meaningful/ effective at all if I wouldn’t be truely feeling it… So I guess simply being honest (and don't caring too much about what the others might say/ think) is a good plan for now.

Finally, I guess the main point is that I have to work on myself. I was circling around that already before I came out of hiding and posted, and you all reinforced what I also feel deep down – my problems are mainly about me. Well, I guess there is a reason why the first three points of the 10 point program for good non-monogamous relationships - which I stumbled upon today - have to do with the ‘me’. I’ll try… (sometimes it'd be so much easier to just point fingers, but I guess in the end that's not helping).

Thanks all for your encouragements!
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