Well, once again this thread hits reallllyyy close to home for me. This is so similar to what I was dealing with in my marriage.
LR - I know you want Maca to respect you and your space, and to understand that he hurts you too in all of this. The problem here is that he might not be able to do that. Its hard to say that this is anyone's fault, due to the situation, but depression is really like a demon and it clouds reason. He may really want to, be really aware and smart, but just incapable at the moment. I don't know what the situation is, but I wanted to put that out there. Try to be patient and loving. There might come a point where you can't anymore, but don't stop until you are sure you have gotten there.
And you are right that you don't have to deal with it. It gets TIRING, I know. My ex did not put in the effort and I had to leave because the process was taking YEARS, and was not longer a process, i.e. he stopped really working on it.
I know Maca is probably reading this to. To you Maca I say this: There is no one at fault here. However, the sad story is that you might lose this relationship to your demons if you do not face them. You can't blame LR if this happens, and really it is hard to blame yourself... because it is an illness that is all controlling. I know. Try to get the strength up to do it anyways. The reality is if you don't you will never be happy... you live only once, and so take advantage!!! It will be very hard - but it is easier to confront this by taking actions, instead of talking, etc. Don't hide from yourself.
I know how hard this must be for you too. reading your post brought all those feelings back - feeling like both of you are tugging at the same rope, but getting nowhere... like you want to get somewhere but you are tugging in opposite directions anyhow. That's how i felt at least.