Thread: paradise lost?
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Old 09-26-2011, 08:03 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

You can't spend every moment together forever, some space can be healthy and can help you both appreciate what you have all the more. As for what's in it for you, well, one way to look at it is -- nothing. Except her happiness. But why is that bad? If she had joined a new women's spirituality group and was spending time doing that now and then instead of being with you 24/7, would there be anything in it for you? Not directly, no. But again... why is that bad? Maybe it's high time you developed your own interests outside of the relationship. Isn't there *anything* you might like to do that she normally wouldn't be into?

All that said, maybe she and the new guy are moving too fast. 2-3 nights a week is a big change all at once. I don't think it would be too much to ask her to slow down. 1 night a week is not a bad amount of time to start... maybe go from there until you're more comfortable. And are these overnight visits? If so, that can be really intense, to miss your partner in your bed all night like that, and again maybe it's too much too fast. Talk to her, see how she feels about the idea of slowing down a little for now.

The new relationship being secret makes everything much harder of course. Why not just come out and make it clear to peeps that they're not to diss your choices, even if not everything is perfect yet? Then at least you could hang out with your friends when she's with him without having to lie.

As for the disparities between you and him, don't be so sure he's getting such a sweet deal. Sure he probably loves the sex, but he may well see her go home to you and feel wistful and envious that he's not the one doing the little mundane things with her, walking in the park holding hands, making long-term plans, spending a lazy Sunday afternoon watching movies and laughing, that sort of thing.

I think you're off to a great start here. Work on your relationship with the gf, negotiate for-now boundaries that will make you feel less lost, and work on yourself. Good luck!
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 09-26-2011 at 08:05 PM.
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