Originally Posted by rolypoly
My first inkling was with my very first boyfriend, at 16. I loved him very much. But after six months of dating, I suddenly got this unexplained, unmistakable sense of panic about being with him. I felt trapped and suffocated. I took space from him and missed him so much. But, being with him felt so restrictive.
While on vacation, away from him, I met a bunch of cute guys and considered going out and partying with them. I didn't though, and had trouble coming to terms with my excitement about the prospect because I was such a loyal, loving girlfriend.
That dynamic returned for every relationship I had afterwards and I dreaded it. I thought there was something wrong with me, I thought I just had to work on my character. I didn't know what...
I'm with you on this one rolypoly! I too had that sinking feeling after being exclusive with someone for awhile. The rules were to constricting for me and I would become resentful and eventually had to leave... only to repeat the whole thing over again. I loved who I was with but found excuses to leave them that made sense to the outside world, but I would be dieing inside because they weren't true. I still loved them. I just had to get out!
I tried being more casual in my dating approach and dated many people and just ignored the fact that I loved them... that hurt me too because there was no depth.
It has only been since I realized I am poly that I have felt like I can at least talk about it and only since the last three years or so that I have felt that I can be okay with myself like this... it's okay to love many and it's okay to let them know that and be open about it. All of it is okay, no matter how you love... just loving is all that is required in my book