Thread: paradise lost?
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Old 09-26-2011, 05:59 PM
LFP LFP is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Default paradise lost?

Hi everybody, I'm new around here, both forum-wise and wrt polyamory... and I wanted to thank you all for hanging out in this forum... reading through the posts already helped me come to terms with some of my recent emotional turmoil. But since every story and relationship is different, I decided to post where I'm at right now - maybe somebody has some insights that'll get me out of that black hole again...

Some background: I'm a straight male, in a 'perfect' relationship for ever (i.e. 9 years). My gf and I have never had a relationship with anybody else before, but we're pretty open, and we can and have talked about everything. A few weeks ago she came out to me wrt loving one of our (mutual) best friends. The weird thing was: I dreamt about them having sex the day before, and the three of us talked about sex and relationships a lot previously... so I guess I already sensed her feelings, and thus wasn't too surprised. So we talked about it, and (a) I can totally see what she sees in him, and (b) I can not see why I should 'prohibit' her loving somebody else if I really love her, so I said: go for it. Which is what she did...

Fast forward into the now: How it worked in the last weeks was that they've been seeing each other every now and then, while we were trying to continue our relationship as before. Which, I have to admit now, does not really work out for me.

Here's what I DON'T have problems with: them having sex, her loving more people than me. These, to me, are all things that don't diminish what we have... i.e. it doesn't reduce her love to me.

What bugs me (and hence the title):
* We've been really tight in the past, doing everything together, talking a lot, having great sex, spending every minute that we could together ... but now I'm 'left' 2-3 nights a week, simply because I can't be with her. So we had the perfect relationship (I know, tacky, but true), and all of a sudden there is this big block of ice eating me up twice a week. While you can't dimish love by dividing it, 50% of the time remains only half of what it was before... Simply put, this makes me sad, and I feel empty.

* Not only do I feel empty, but also stupid. Of course, all the 'social' stuff remains with me, i.e. all the (at times cumbersome) family and friend stuff (particularly now that their relationship is still secret), while the other guy gets the hot sex, and only that. Whats more, if one could say so, sex was always a tad more important for me in our relationship than for her, but I always accepted the boundaries she set. Now, from one day to another, she runs off having sex with somebody else, while I'm sitting at home wondering if I'm the butt of the worst joke in history.

So, all in all, while I'm still cool with the whole poly thing, I wonder if there is ANY positive in it for me. Because I don't think it is a very good basis for a relationship if I'm just being 'tolerant' while there is something important evolving in her life. And vice versa: this big block of ice in my stomach does currently feel quite contrary to 'love' to me...

Thanks in advance for your considerations,

P.S.: To me, compersion (fun, btw, inventing new words just like that ) is not the solution to my problem, as it's not about my feelings for them (which are great) but my feelings for me.
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