I had an enlightening poly conversation with Alec yesterday. We haven't really talked about it as exhaustingly in a while. I mean, we've communicated about specific situations and if there's been something acute, but we haven't had a "general-poly-discussion-session" as such, other than the ones we had in the beginning of all of this. And I don't think it's a bad thing that we haven't had those kinds of conversations, because we've still communicated everything that's been relevant to the situation at hand, and if we're constantly talking about something we have no time to process and form opinions of our own (this is how it works with me and Alec, and in our dynamic).
Anyway, I feel very good that we discussed things at length, even though it wasn't all warm and fussy. There was a lot of new information for me (though no total surprises), and I'm sure some for him, too. I can see that he's done a lot of processing about poly, and it's all starting to feel a lot more concrete. That is, he is seeing what a poly situation actually means for us, and what me having a girlfriend entails to him, as well. He's not big on hypothesising in general and knows nobody with experience of poly, so there is a lot of things he is feeling and thinking about only now that poly has started to become more concrete. Therefore, much of the stuff he shared with me yesterday is very propably almost as new to him as it is for me. But he is now thinking about the future and about what it is that he wants or needs, and some boundaries are starting to take shape around that.
I know there are some conflicting wants. There may be even somewhat conflicting needs, although I feel hopeful that with creative thinking we'll be able to find a situation where everybody can be satisfied and happy even if they aren't getting everything they want. It is rare, though, in life generally to get everything you want, although you can maximise it by thinking outside the box(es). So poly isn't really special in that respect.
Anyway, it's good that Alec is thinking and communicating about stuff. It's good that he is forming boundaries and being clear about them, even when he suspects I won't be too happy about them. It's good that he tells me how he feels and what he wants, even if those things make him feel ashamed or guilty. It's good that he's sharing his feelings without any wish to control me, i.e. without wanting me to change my behaviour based on them (while still obviously expecting me to care about them and take them into consideration - I think there is a huge difference). It's good that what he expresses as his wants and needs seem to be his genuine wants and needs coming from within himself and NOT from any feelings of jealousy or competition or possession or selfishness.
None of us have any poly experience, Alec doesn't know anybody poly or even open, and all of his friends and family have a very monogamous mindset. Because of all of this, I feel that there are a lot of potential pitfalls, in which it would be easy to fall and which could blow the whole thing up. But all the good stuff I wrote above makes me feel safe. It makes me feel that we are doing poly in a healthy way.
Last edited by rory; 09-26-2011 at 05:38 PM.