Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn
I think I'd ask myself whether this is the person I would choose to continue with even if my other relationships were blown to the wind.
Oh, I'm asking myself, no doubt. :/ And I think I'm doing a good job of steering clear of the mistake of thinking about my relationship with Davis solely in the context of my relationship with Gia or vice versa. My relationship with Davis is my relationship with Davis and it thrives or doesn't on its own merits.
Am I happier or not since Davis and I have been officially dating? Do I, in fact, feel closer to him or not since we've officially been dating? Do I feel like I'm enhanced by us dating? I can't say an unequivocal yes to any of those questions. It seems *so* strange that changing what we call ourselves (friends vs bf/gf) should change much of anything when what we do together is the same. It seems so strange that I should have felt more fully authentic saying I love you before and, at times, less so now.
I wish it weren't this way. I don't want to lose him in my life. I love the support he gives me, how safe he makes me feel, how well we communicate, his eyes, his warmth. But if this isn't working for me, we should break up, right? That thought doesn't fill me with the sadness and dread it did the first time we broke up, which in itself tells me something. If we do break up, we should give each other space for real this time, right? Can I do that? Can I refuse to see him, push him away, if this man who is dear to me asks simply to keep my friendship?
I just don't know. I want to believe that things just feel messed up right now because he's depressed, that we can make this work, but I just don't know.
Ok, and now the sadness finally comes, welling up behind my eyes as I sit here on this train. I can see the pain and incomprehension on his face if I tell him I'm leaving again, after so short a second try, and I can't bear it.
Crying now. Shit.
I will *not* stay with him just out of fear for him, I know from past experience that I'm strong enough to leave, but it *does* scare me, the idea of leaving a depressed man. What if he hurt himself? Could I survive that?