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Old 09-25-2011, 05:37 PM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 718

No easy answers for you, sorry. I think that I also tend to fall for women who are incompatible with me. Not just because of polyamory, in fact sometimes this doesn't come up at all. WHY do we fall for unsuitable people?

What I wanted to pick up on were the following points:
Originally Posted by NumberFive View Post
If I love her, and I do, can I let her keep doing this? Do I need to "withdraw the invitation" so to speak, or distance myself from her somehow? If she can't be with me, I can't stand to make her unhappy.
a) It's not up to you to "let her keep doing this" or not. It's her life. You can't choose whom she decides to get involved with.

b) Do you really believe that if you remove your standing invitation to start a relationship with you [understood from the beginning that you're poly], that she's going to stop measuring other men against your standard? The only way that I know to do this for sure would be for you to set out to prove to her what a nasty person you are. And that's an UGLY game!

c) It's an old cliché on these relationship forums (but clichés are more often than not true: that's how they become clichés) that nobody can make anyone else happy or unhappy. She makes her choices. Either she accepts that you're poly and learns to live with that, in one of the following ways:
i) she realises that you aren't the man that she's looking for, and gets on with her life;
ii) she realises that your being poly is one of the facets that go towards making you such a wonderful man (in her eyes), that she PREFERS your honesty, integrity, and emotional generosity to the stinginess of other men who refuse to allow her to share her love with others;
iii) she realises that there's no future in a sexual relationship with her, but that you're one of her best and truest friends;
... OR she resents that this aspect of yours is ROBBING her of a wonderful chance at happiness and becomes unhappy and/or bitter.
But that's not YOU making her unhappy.
Originally Posted by NumberFive View Post
Two women in particular I have built strong friendships with that could become more, but neither of them seems to accept that the poly lifestyle is possible.
Well what's wrong with strong friendships? I know, I know: you're sexually attracted AS WELL. But a strong friendship isn't anything to turn your nose up at. If the sexual link doesn't happen, be happy with what you've got.
Originally Posted by NumberFive View Post
I have broached the topic with one of them, and while she didn't really give me much of a response I got the impression that it was a non-starter. This makes me nervous to talk about it with the the other. My current partner loves the first woman, but more sort of likes the other.
Some people need time to process all this. Just because she hasn't jumped into your arms YET doesn't mean it's a no-hoper. Give her time. (No expectations, mind you: but no despair.)
And you should KNOW that how A reacts doesn't determine how B will react. Life and Love are full of taking scary steps.
3rd point on this: How long has your girlfriend known these 2 women... and how closely? Give friendships AND Love time. The fact that your girlfriend can "bring herself" to "sort of like" another woman that you're interested in sexually makes you a pretty lucky guy compared with many others!
Originally Posted by NumberFive View Post
However, the relationships tend to leave the women unhappy and unfulfilled (which I am not fine with). Of course, I'm just self-aware enough to realize that I might be prejudging those relationships out of jealousy. I don't really interfere, I have met and like the guys all right, but some selfish, jealous part of me believes that no man they choose could ever love them like I do.
My poly girlfriend of 6 1/2 years left me, perhaps partly because I rejected her proposal of switching to a mono relationship. For many years after we split, I was close enough to watch her slip from one (in my book) unhealthy relationship to another. The one right after me was a doozy! (From one extreme of the pendulum to the other?) He got jealous whenever she was happy (laughing, having a good time) and he wasn't THE source of her happiness (whether he was present or not). As for her husband (the 2nd or 3rd after me): as far as I know, they haven't spoken with each other (aside from whenever legally necessary for the divorce) since they split.
But it's her life. And I haven't got a part in it anymore. Sometimes you've just got to accept that.
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