Dealing With Never
I just need somewhere to vent for a sec. And maybe you all can give me some helpful tips for dealing with these negative emotions that I just have no obvious outlet for.
Background. I am a straight male poly currently in a monogamous relationship with a wonderful woman who is slowly warming to the idea of multiple relationships. She has always been OK with me having sex with other women, something I have not often taken advantage of -- because I am not interested in the variety of my sex partners so much as I am looking for closeness and emotional connection with more than one woman. She is aware of this, but needs to be reassured regularly that any future partners won't "replace" her or somehow diminish my love for her. It proceeds slowly, but I think as I build romantic connections with other women and she sees that the foundation of our relationship has not eroded whatsoever, she is coming around.
Well, that was longer than I intended it to be. But I suppose without the full picture none of this makes any sense.
The problem: I keep falling for women who aren't interested in polyamory. Two women in particular I have built strong friendships with that could become more, but neither of them seems to accept that the poly lifestyle is possible. I have broached the topic with one of them, and while she didn't really give me much of a response I got the impression that it was a non-starter. This makes me nervous to talk about it with the the other. My current partner loves the first woman, but more sort of likes the other.
Meanwhile, the two women I am interested in continue to pursue other, more traditional relationships (which I am fine with). However, the relationships tend to leave the women unhappy and unfulfilled (which I am not fine with). Of course, I'm just self-aware enough to realize that I might be prejudging those relationships out of jealousy. I don't really interfere, I have met and like the guys all right, but some selfish, jealous part of me believes that no man they choose could ever love them like I do.
Further, the impression I get from the first woman is that while she doesn't think being with my wife and I is possible, she judges every man she gets involved with against my standards. This has ruined at least one of her relationships. If I love her, and I do, can I let her keep doing this? Do I need to "withdraw the invitation" so to speak, or distance myself from her somehow? If she can't be with me, I can't stand to make her unhappy. While every bone in my body wants to cling on to the desperate hope that she will have an epiphany and we can be together one day, the other part of me doesn't want to ruin what chance at happiness she might have without me.
I guess the only advice I'm asking for is how to deal with the emotional strain of realizing that you care for someone very deeply, and they care for you, but the life you envision between you just can't happen, or doesn't seem to want to happen. It's all very frustrating, and in the end I simply don't know whether I'm just deluding myself into believing that a poly lifestyle is tenable in my situation, or if I've simply fallen for the wrong women, or if I'm trying to hold too tightly on to the women I love because our relationships will never be what I want them to be, or what. I just don't know how to deal with never. It makes me feel young, and it makes me feel stupid, and I don't care for it.