Confused! 2 exes, long distance, bdsm, sort of triad
Hello all, I am new here, I'm a possibly-poly, definately bisexual, and sexually submissive (bdsm) middle-aged female. Sorry for the epic post, but the emotional tangle I am in right now has deep roots.
Some years ago I had a relationship with a freind of my sister, Alan. He is dominant, and I was strugggling with issues to do with my sexual identity, and really put him through a hard time until he broke things off (it hurt me, but it was the right decision).
Right after that I met a lovely submissive woman, Bridget, who helped me alot with my issues, we had a sexual connection and ended up in bed a few times, but I was on the rebound, and didn't want to ruin the friendship so it didn't go anywhere.
I then moved to the other side of the country for my job. Recently I went back to my hometown to visit my sister. There I ran into Alan, and we clicked again, very strongly, and jumped into bed together. The sexual/bdsm connection between Alan and I is stronger than it ever was, so much better now I am over my issues, and we had frank discussions of the past and forgave each other. It also turns out, that he has been having 'casual encounters' with Bridget, and there was a sort of 'well, we're all sexually attracted to each other' moment, which lead to a threesome.
It was pretty much amazing. Bridget is adorable and lovely and I can't believe it took me this long to get close to her, and after the threesome, her and I had quite a bit of time with just the two of us. I also spent time with Alan, in which he hinted that he would pursue a relationship with me if I was closer (I kind cut him off a bit because part of me didn't want to 'complicate' things, but um, too late for that!).
So, I'm pretty much head-over-heels-silly over both of them. Since leaving, Bridget and I have been on the phone constantly. I have also had some contact with Alan, he tells me he is still very keen sexually for me, but I find it akward to talk to him. I think I am a bit afraid of rejection (because he broke up with me before). They both tell me when they see each other (I don't know why, but I find this really cute).
Basically, I think if I was in the same town I would just let things go organically and see where they ended up, but the long distance thing makes that akward.
I can't help fantasizing a bit that we will turn into a happy triad (but I know real life isnt so simple). I worry that by pursuing both relationships I will hurt someone. I worry that Bridget and I wont sexually satisfiy each other (due to both being submissive) without a dominant party being involved. I worry that if I let myself get emotionally involved with Alan he will break my heart all over again. I worry that I will lose the opportunity to see where things would lead with either of them because I am the wrong side of the country, but I worry if I move back and things don't work out I will regret it.
I just feel like I'm a mess of conflicted emotions, and I don't know what I'm doing! Any advice would be gratefully received.