Originally Posted by New2this
This isnt a race . . .
That is so true! I think this is an important thing for two partners to remember, when it comes to having other partners.
This past spring, I started a long-distance online thing with a married guy who was new to poly. His wife had a very solid relationship with her boyfriend and he felt pressured to "catch up" with her. His wanting to have a relationship primarily because she had one, rather than because he'd met someone he wanted to be in a relationship with, was not a good scenario for me to be in - though I didn't realize that's what was going on underneath it all until we were in it. Since we started as an online/LDR and waited about two months before actually meeting in person, he had lots of fantasies about how things would go (we both did, I suppose). But when we got together to meet for the first time and spend a weekend together, it hit him. I was a real woman who wanted a real relationship, and that realization scared him. I think all the expectations he placed on himself to have a girlfriend when he wasn't really ready for that, just because his wife had a boyfriend, is mostly what did us in. Eventually I had to let go of our relationship because he wasn't really invested in it.
I am not projecting my situation onto yours, but I think for some couples, it's better to allow for some adjustment after one of them finds an additional partner, and to let the changes in their dynamic sink in before barreling into poly with both guns blazing, so to speak. Ease into it, see what comes up, deal with emotions, work out time management issues, and so on, and when everything feels right for the other partner to seek an additional relationship, let it happen.