Originally Posted by Carma
WHY, though??? Why is he choosing to lie, when he could just say, "Honey, I want us to have an open marriage, afterall." Because he's so afraid SHE won't go along if SHE knows the truth? Annabel asked the same question. Why??? Why would he need a dishonest relationship with her???? If she loves him so much, and she knows he doesn't want to leave his family, then what would be the problem for her to know the whole truth? Besides, if she thinks he's back with her because I'm back with Butch, shouldn't that raise a red flag for her - "He's only with me to get even with her!"?
Asking 'Why?' here is a fool's game. It's certainly a natural question to ask, and to really need answers for. But it distracts you from making real changes in you and asking for real changes in Sundance and your relationship with him.
Also, I strongly suspect that Sundance can't answer this question for you right now, and maybe ever. I don't believe that he knows whats going on for him. From your descriptions, it sounds like he is re-enacting some very old patterns. (I would guess you are too, btw.) I have to agree with DH that he's not an evil genius with a plan but someone profoundly confused, unhappy, and in pain and relying on old ideas, old patterns unconsciously. This does not excuse his actions - he did consciously choose to lie to you and Barbie. That does not make what he is doing less dangerous and disturbing.
But someone acting out even partly unconsciously usually does not 'know' why they do what they do. It's a fool's game to even ask them why - they don't know and, until the hard work of understanding themselves has begun, they often don't even have a clue that they don't know.
So don't ask why. Ask for and look for results. Is he lying to you or not? Is he open with you or not? Is he telling her the truth or not? Asking 'why' just sucks you into the maelstorm, spins you about and leaves you even further from getting actual change accomplished. Your questions can't be answered right now. That is hard. You desperately want to understand. But you're not going to get answers right now, and maybe ever. Focusing on the 'why' won't get you to where you need to go.