Originally Posted by dingedheart
In all those example you listed it seemed you had no control ....acted upon by an outside source. Maybe look there ....see if that helps
Yes, I didn't have any control over those, as well as most of the stuff that happened to me back then. That IS the basis of my issues with myself-- that because of all of that I realize I can't control outside things or other people, so I try to control MYSELF and how I handle things. It seems reasonable, yet what it has done has been make me always "working" on me, and never just accepting myself.
I will also add that I have made choices in my life and picked people to be in relationships with that were poor, so I had SOME choice as an adult -- I just made bad ones.
Right now I'm kind of a big mess, and I'm okay with that. I'm letting myself just BE a mess for a while. My fear has always been that if I ever allowed myself to be a mess, that nobody would stay with me. That the only way anyone would be around me very long was if I made things easy for them.
This, of course, is a ridiculous theory, but one I seem to have developed very early and have followed most of my life.
I just don't have the energy for it anymore, and I'm trying to trust in my partner enough to believe him that when he says he's not going to leave me just for being a mess he means it.
Of course, I don't intend to NEVER work on improving my life or myself again. I'm not sure I could willingly stop doing that. But I'm definitely scaling back on how I choose to do that, and I'm changing my reasons for WHY. I want to improve my life so that I enjoy it more and have more fulfillment. Not because I am deficient and that's the only way someone will love me.
Right now I'm only focusing on touching on my emotions in a more honest and open way (instead of trying to hide them and acting like I'm OK with everything), and trying to live in each moment instead of retreading the past or looking to the future. That's about all I can handle right now. Now that I think about it, it's a lot but I can do it in tiny doses a minute at a time, so it seems doable.
But this idea of happiness had come up in my mind quite a bit, and I wanted to gain some perspective on that because I am thinking that my idea in my head of what happy looks like is not real. It's more of a fantasy I made up in my head as a child to deal with my world being so messy and chaotic and having no control over it. There was this "safe place" in my mind-- a goal of what I could eventually have and I would be safe, secure, and happy.
And if I'm EVER going to break out of that fantasy/illusion, I need to have some idea of what an honest and realistic vision of being content in life might look like for myself.
I think part of my issues are due to the fact that I've chosen to give, give, give to everybody in my life and haven't really been on the receiving end quite enough. This was my choice-- and again, same reasons-- I was buying somebody's love with my efforts. Doh!
Part of my being messy right now is choosing to be a little self-involved, and not running around trying to make life easier for everyone. It's wierd for me, but kind of nice. I do need to figure out what I need to refill my empty "giving" tank. Some of that is stuff I need from the people in my life, some of that will be things I do for myself.
I'm going to my good friend C's house tonight, whom I haven't seen in FOREVER. We've both been super busy, but I really need to make the effort more often, if only that we meet for dinner during the week or something. She is such a super duper supportive person, and has known me so long and seen me fall apart and be a mess and then tells me how much she loves me and how well I'm doing. LOL. That's a true friend!! It helps that she is sort of introspective as well and has had a crazy life too, and falls apart once in a while-- so she really gets me when I talk. She gives me empathy when I need it. She kicks my ass when I need that too.