some of your early story has some similarities to my wife's history. During our couples therapy sessions it was suggested that the early chaos had become such a pattern that it became the norm ....or baseline. Calm and smooth feels funny ...unnatural...boring, etc... At the time they were going to work on that in private....we never had anymore joint sessions so I don't know the out come of that work.
The different emotional sides of these moments provide the contrast and a compass direction ....move toward happiness.
Do the choices you make have a high probability for happiness. That's all you can do.
My sister likes being the victim...or something ...she seems to always make the worst possible choice or decision....I can't tell how many times I've ask "what were you thinking" actually I think in most cases I added a " fuck" in there as well ... but we're a pretty direct family.
Good luck I hope you find what you need to be happy. D