Things have been a little rocky between me and Davis. *bigsigh*
He came with me to Eric's birthday party over the weekend without hesitation, which was great considering how hard the very idea of spending time with my other lovers was for him a few months ago. On top of that, he's not a very social person and he didn't know most of the people there, so it really wasn't the best scene for him. Looking back a couple of days later, I realized that I didn't do much to try to support him in that situation, and I feel pretty shitty about it. I should have put more of my focus on him, checked in with him, worked to try to help him get to know the other people there. Instead I just sat next to him, engaged other people in conversation and assumed he was fine. I don't know how I could have been so tone-deaf to his needs.
And, worse, I've actually blown up at him a couple of times in the last few weeks. He goes through cycles of depression and he's been in a downswing recently and there are times when it just grates on me to the point that I snap. I hate to see him be so self-defeating at times and it makes me lose respect for him... which I *hate* because I've had lots of people with depression in my life and I know you can't always control it and that what the person needs is understanding!!
I've apologized profusely to him for all this stuff of course, we've talked about it in detail and it's all cool between us, it's just... I don't think of myself as the sort of person who does stuff like that (leaves her partner hanging when he needs her, yells at her partner instead of giving support). So it leaves me in the awkward position of asking myself WHY am I behaving this way??? I'm not trying to say I've been some kind of monster, lots of the time I behave in loving, supportive ways with him, but lately just not as consistently as I'd expect of myself...
Sometimes I think that maybe this relationship just isn't right for me, and that's why I'm acting like a jerk. Other times I think I made an excellent choice in this man, and that I just need to work on being a better person and a better partner.
Davis brings out strong stuff in me, it's just not all stuff I like... and I worry sometimes that the lows outnumber the highs... I ask myself whether my life with him long-term will truly be enhanced or not, and I just don't know. I feel like in theory it's *ok* not to know, but this ambivalence wears on me.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.