Originally Posted by Legion
I'm a little unclear. Are your relations more of the swinger (purely or mostly physical) variety or are you talking about developing more intricate ties with BF and GF? Not here to judge, just to understand the dynamic.
Legion, we started out looking for a swinger-ish arrangement. However, "swinging" implies casual sex to me... something I've never been comfortable with. My philosophy is (and has ALWAYS been... even since teenager-hood) that sex is about intimacy. If I just wanted an orgasm, I have 10 fingers and a plethora of toys... don't need another person for THAT. So, swinging isn't very appealing to me for that reason. Additionally, there are a lot more health risks and personal risks to swinging etc.
That said, my DH (J) is also more into intimacy than casual sex and at one point had a GF for a short time that we thought could turn into a long-term 3rd partner for both of us. The idea had never fully occured to us before and we were both pleasantly surprised to discover that it appealed to us. But, the concept that J was comfortable was with that 3rd being a GF.
He began pushing for me to find a guy I was attracted to to explore some fantasies involving a 3rd as a guy in the bedroom. J is totally comfortable with the idea of a 3rd in our marriage as long as it's a woman, but when it comes to me he wasn't as comfortable w/the idea of me having a BF. Casual affairs aren't really my nature though, so in order to work towards the sexual fantasies being fulfilled, he began to push the BF idea.
My sex drive hasn't been the greatest over the past few years and we found out recently it was due to hormones. We had only been married a short time when we had our first child, so the frequency of sex became almost an immediate issue for us. J thought that me having a BF I was *very* attracted to would "kick start" my sex drive.
Now that we've solved the hormone mystery & my sex drive has returned, he's suddenly possessive of it. He's always been possessive of my time to a certain extent, and circumstance prior to now have prevented me from focusing on him as much as he needed.
I'm hoping that now that I'm able to focus on him when we're together, and he sees that my sex drive stays around and he's able to get as much as he needs of both, that he'll be less insecure that a BF or a 3rd would take anything away from our marriage.
In fact, the experiences we've had so far with having an open marriage have seemed to strengthen it. So, we'll go from here and see... but I'm hoping that some folks on this board have advice or insight that might be helpful since we're fairly new to the poly life.
Hope that clarifies some things!