Thread: Turnabout
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Old 09-20-2011, 10:40 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Location: Ohio
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I've mentioned to him to come here -- I have no idea why he won't. He did way back at the beginning. Actually he tends to belittle (/tease?) me for being on here. He thinks it's just another one of my "fickle obsessions." It's true, I have been somewhat of an extremist my whole life, I guess. When I was Catholic, I started getting REALLY religious, even saying the rosary daily. Then I read DAwkins' "The God Delusion" and my faith disintegrated, much to my surprise, actually. Geez, it seemed so logical, but what do I know?! When I read a book I tend to really embrace what it says and I want to try to instill the "experts'" advice. Ok, so I've gotten a little hooked on self-help, what can I say?? Maybe I'm not an "extremist" so much as an "enthusiast?" Yeah, that's more how I see it...

Anyway, he never reads ANY book I recommend. So I'm not surprised he won't come here either. He is not interested in "improving" himself unless it involves weight lifting, which he is 100% committed to.

Fucking incredible that Gaslighting came up here -- I have been having some creepy thoughts about exactly that, myself. The past couple of days I've had some serious suspicions that he has lied to me, and I AM PRETTY SURE I AM RIGHT ON, but I can't prove it and I refuse to sound like some paranoid freak. I also refuse to play detective, how degrading for both of us. But let's face it, a woman knows when she's being lied to. It's in his voice, in his mannerisms, and in some details that I'm not going to bother going into.

He's still swearing he's done with her. Calls her his ex-girlfriend.

I can tell he is waiting to see if I hold to my break up with Butch. I hate this. I hate it that he is putting his relationship with her, back on ME, and he honestly thinks I believe that I have that much power!!!

I am not stupid. I know better. He is just going underground. Just in case? Or because she means more to him than he admits.

Well, time will tell. I am sorry everyone but I just don't feel ready to call her up yet! So much drama it could bring up. My biggest fear???? That she will lie to me, too. At this time I don't think I could take it! My second biggest fear???? That she will ask me to reveal the lies he's told her. And I will betray him. It feels..... wrong. I wish SHE would call ME!!!!

I mean, if I call, I'm not sure I know what I want. The Truth??? To give it??? To get it???? To tell her to back off, or to tell her to go ahead with him, I'm ok with it? Do I want her to get pissed and break up with him, then he'll try and blame me???? I just have to be clear on my motives, before I open up a powder keg with her.

I can edge her out, by pouring on the wifely love, right? He SAYS he's mono. I believe he is -- but I also believe he is trying out the cheating way. IT'S NOT GOING TO HOLD UP. He's smart, but he's going to slip up. Am I waiting, like a snake all coiled up, for him to fuck up so I can say "GOTCHA!"? Yes -- I am. I think once he's called out on his shit he will be forced to change. It worked for me! It's the only thing that worked for me. I had to realize that lying, and its consequences, was hell.

Sometimes I think I am just trying to play God.

What I really am is confused. I don't know what I really want. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll call a therapist, I know....

Thank you all for your patience. And MrFFR, for your kindness,

OH -- also, the Barbie nickname, I messed up in choosing that. I never meant that she was vacuous or air-headed or a plaything -- at least not consciously! I was ONLY referring to how beautiful she is, seriously everyone. I would change the moniker but I think it's kind of too late now.
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Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
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