Sorry About My Meltdown!
My apologies for irrationally lashing out at certain posters. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me.
I still don't get a lot of this polyamory stuff. Maybe it is fucking around with permission, but at least I'm not being lied to. In my past relationships (all bad), the NOT knowing and the sneaking around is what ended up hurting me the most. Those past hurts still creep up and cause me to go all ape shit for fear of getting hurt.
I get that you are trying to help me, and I very well may crashing and burning, but this poly relationship, with all its ups and downs is the best relationship I've been in (that may not be saying much).
I don't think my guy is bad. I think that I have NO idea what I'm doing and my fear of speaking up ends up causing me more harm than good. Add that to me fighting actually developing feelings for this guy and I am torturing myself...
Sigh... I'm really making this difficult aren't I???? I'm the one who needs to CHILAX...