So this is going to sound a bit silly, but I am actually serious about the question. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life and myself and the way I go about things that seem to be based (at least partially) on how I was raised.
My life has been fairly chaotic, fairly unstable (for the most part) and fairly insecure. From a young age we moved a lot, I was the new kid in school on a yearly/biyearly basis and my mother's relationship with my dad and stepdad(s) were problematic. My mom was very loving, so I had a securely bonded relationship with her, but the rest of my life was crazy.
We sometimes moved with a day's notice, I had issues making new friends (between having to start over so much and being very shy and introverted), I could never really get attached to too much because it might be gone at any second. This past year I moved to the house I'm in now, which was the 40th move in my 40 years.
What I'm seeing lately is that I have created this part of me that believes (believed) that if I could just improve myself enough, become a good enough person, be a good enough partner-- that I'd somehow find happiness and security and safety. I'm starting to try and see that behavior and knock it off because honestly I'm just so tired of trying to fix
myself and things and make things work
But... in doing this thinking I have been thinking about what I want in life, what I need-- what is realistic-- and I realized that I don't even really know what "happiness" looks like. What is it really? Maybe there really is no such thing. Maybe there are just happy moments, sad moments, angry moments, fearful moments-- you know, life?
A lot of the shit I read talks about mindfulness-- which I think is awesome but I suck at it. But trying to get to some imaginary future where everything is smooth is not realistic, and having that goal for so long I think has kept me from accepting how things are right now.
Things right now might not be perfect. I have sad moments, I have angry moments, but there are also happy moments. Maybe that's all I can really ask for.