So things have been going well, yet interesting.
Our vacay was lovely... basically just lots of lounging and relaxing, something that's really HARD for me to do as I have a base level of anxiety that is usually soothed by doing something. Coming back was hard and depressing.
I've come to some realizations this past week about myself. Some just from talking with hubs, and then I just got the audio version of Radical Acceptance and have been listening to that. It really hit home-- to the point where the first five minutes of listening in the car on Sunday I was crying my eyes out.
Basically what it comes down to is I have little to no self-esteem. I have always felt like I wasn't good enough (in every way) for people to like me or stick around, or (eventually) to love me, so I have spent my whole life "working" on me to make myself a better person. One who could be loved.
I've intellectualized my feelings trying to be able to not get "too" emotional, since that was something that was consistently pointed out to me as being BAD. I actually have report cards when I was 7 or 8 saying how I was too emotional and react badly when things "don't go my way"-- i.e. when the other little girls were being cruel and mean I cried and that was bad.
I know a lot of this comes from having a somewhat unstable childhood (and I HATE blaming childhood for shit, I really do). My mom was great and loved me and was a good mom... but we moved around a LOT. I went to about 9 schools between kindergarden and high school, and the house I live in how is the 40th house I've lived in -- in 43 years. So stability has never been my life. And maybe in some way I've been looking for stable, but then choosing people that can't, and will never provide that.
Anyway, somehow in all of the years of me working on myself to become more self-aware (ha, ha) I seem to have missed the part where I'm a complete and utter mess.
In Radical Acceptance she talks about how we create these stories for ourselves to explain away things or to cover up what we're really feeling. And that's pretty much what I've been doing all of my life.
So... right now I'm taking a little break from "working on myself", and am just trying to learn how to be. I'm accepting that I don't know as much as I thought I did and that I'm a mess and that's the way it is for now. I'm TIRED.
Hubs and the GF are still together, and working on things too. I'm happy for him, and glad-- but it's very hard for me because it hits me right in the center of my sense of unworthiness and unlovableness. And it doesn't help that hubs and I are still trying to find a balance where we show each other we care-- and don't just sit in separate rooms of the house doing our own thing all of the time. That, too, hits me right at the heart of my fears.
Hubs and I had a talk the other day and he admitted that he was working extra hard to make sure that he gave her the time she needed and attention and scheduled skypes, etc-- because he learned his lesson from fucking up with me.
And while I love that he is learning from his mistakes, it just fucking sucks that all his mistakes get made with ME, and then someone else gets to benefit from the lesson. Yea, great. Glad I could help you make sure not to let HER feel like a piece of worthless, unwanted shit that was too much trouble for a couple of phone calls.
So it's hard. I still feel like I'm in second place. I'm not even sure HOW to help us connect better. I thought today that I have been striving all of my life to be "happy"... and when I think about it, I don't even know what the fuck that means. What is happy? What do I NEED? I have no freaking clue.