UPDATE: Total Over Reaction
...so after reading some of the advice, I decided to call my guy and talk to him (ignoring his call was rather juvenille). I told him (calmly) I was upset about an email I received from ____ (said her name) and began a rant about me not needing to know about his "escapades" (I actually used that word), and not wanting to be contacted by one of his "toys".
That's when he informed me (calmly) that the woman was actually not a toy at all...she's a co-worker. The emails that I received often had something to do with his job and her name just started showing up recently because she just returned to work...from maternity leave!!!! I was SOOOOOO embarassed!
The great thing about yet another one of my meltdowns was that the important question got asked and answered... where is this coming from?
As much as I hated to admit it to him, I had to let him know that I am feeling insecure in the relationship. Being one that always tries to appear play it cool all the time, I hate admitting vulnerability in that area. I admitted to him that I am afraid he's going to leave.
Though I didn't tell him, I am starting to get emotionally invested in this guy. I started off thinking I could just be OK with a sexual relationship and get wined and dined in the process, but I am starting to have feelings for him, and I am TERRIFIED!!!!! My last relationship ended very painfully when the guy dropped me (as I perceived it) out of the blue. I never saw it coming because I was so happy with that man. After that heartbreak I vowed to never feel that way again. It took me a year to get over that.
So, here I am again recognizing that this is more than the casual, sex thing I have tried to convince myself it is and I am working diligently to push him away before I am too far gone.
...he really re-assured me that he's not going to leave and let me know that he understood that since I am new to this lifestyle that things are going to come up, and that it's OK for me to communicate those things to him, that he won't think I'm psycho-bitch for feeling. That helped a lot.
He also reminded me of lessons he's learned, namely from the awkward threesome episode. He said he would NEVER try to force me into indulging a fantasy of his nor would he ever just spring someone on me ever again. He assured me that if someone significant entered his life, he would make sure I am well informed about her and we would make the decision together about how we would introduce her into our lives, and it would NEVER be a requirement for me to enter a sexual relationship with her (He joked that he's done with the Hugh Hefner ideal.). That made me feel a lot better.
So... a not so great way to learn a lesson (I'm sure he could have done without the meltdown or Columbo stunt), but this just reconfirms that I gotta open my mouth, not just with him but in a LOT of situations, and learn not to feel bad for saying what I feel. NOT saying what I feel is proving to be the most detrimental...
OK... shutting up now. Thanks for letting me get things off my chest (again)