Originally Posted by nycindie
You have been told many times by people here that your boyfriend treats you like shit and doesn't practice poly ethically. Your other threads have revealed that he disrespects you, and that you are using him for his money while he uses you and other women for sex. So, it is perplexing to see you continually come back here and state you've been "doing well in a poly relationship."
You refer to her as a toy. What if she is just as emotionally invested as you are? What if she thinks of you as a toy? You show no regard for her as a person, but have some weird idea of the kind of respect she's supposed to show you.
In your last thread, you also said that there are "no good men out there" to justify taking advantage of his big, open wallet. Obviously, you have no respect for men, either.
Why should he try to hide anything if you're so cool with his "poly lifestyle?" Sounds like you were trying to pretend he wasn't seeing anyone else. If you'd been handling this relationship as well as you say you are, you shouldn't be surprised that he has other women in his life, and you shouldn't expect him to try and hide anything.
Your anger is way out of proportion to the situation. Most people want to have contact with metamours. You really need to get a hold of yourself and open your eyes to what you've gotten into.
You come here and get lots of useful feedback about whatever issues you are dealing with, but hardly respond to any of it, and then you come back with an equally frustrating problem. Frustrating to us, because it's obvious that you dismiss everything anyone says to you. It's always difficult to see why you're making such a stink when you refuse to look at your part in what goes on in this relationship.
Actiually I don't dismiss anything. I take advice not ridicule which is something you are notorious for. Everyone isn't as strong or as hardcore as you and though I've tried to dismiss your repeated harsh responses as sound advice (because there is often good advice in there), you fail to forget that I am new to this whole thing.
As I responded to another more TACTFUL reply. I was merely letting off steam rather than taking my anger out on the guy.
Let me explain DISRESPECT to you. My ex husband who took vows to forsake all others, fucked other women behind my back, had a child with another woman during our marriage and gave me an STD!!!!! Thankfully, it was something I could get rid of.
How has this guy respected me? He was HONEST from the beginning. He TOLD me that he sees other women but gives me consistency and space (unlike the clingy cheating ex). ANY time I have addressed any issues with him (I would come here to get advice on how to approach things), he has CHANGED!!
1) Spontaneous threesome - he apologized and admitted that he was wrong in that situation; wanting to fulfill a fantasy and being TOTALLY selfish by placing me in the situation. He said he would NEVER put me in that situation again and he has not!
2) The trip he wanted cancelled...BEFORE I could even bring up that I wasn't comfortable doing his dirty work, HE volunteered to tell the other woman and once again apologized for putting me in the situation...
3) When I expressed my concerns about the change in communication, he listened and made a GENUINE change.
What I HAVE learned from the good advice (and not the brow beating) I have received from this thread is that I need to work on my communication... something I wasn't good at in my mono days either. I was always afraid of being abandoned and that fear has caused me to keep my mouth shut WAY more often than not. This relationship is FORCING me to come out of that...
So NYCindie, I KNOW you may think that I am making some mistakes in this, but I pose the question to you... did you do everything perfectly 5 months into your first poly relationship or have you always been a cynical, mean person?
I am willing to try new things, and I know I am going to make mistakes along the way. Would you degrade a child for falling off the bike the first time they tried to ride one? My goodness! CHILAX!!!!
I'm sure you are very well versed in Polyamory, but your negativity has exceeded my threshold and I think you're being downright mean. If it's all the same to you, I would rather you keep your comments to yourself if they are not going to be tactful.
As they say in the south where I'm from. If you can't say SOMETHING nice, don't say anything AT ALL!!!!!