The only "poly ideal" I can think of is that all poly relationships be conducted ethically, honestly, and with the consent of everyone involved. Threesomes or communal living are not specifically "poly ideals," though they may be yours. There are a billion ways to live polyamorously.
My first reaction to reading your post is this: polyamory is not for you. It seems like you would only be embarking on it to please your boyfriend, and that is not a great way to start. We have seen instances of one person in a couple acquiescing in order to hold onto a relationship, after being threatened with an ultimatum, but those cases only seem to work out after years of angst and heartache and therapy. I don't think those usually work out at all in the long run.
You yourself said: you're young; you've just begun to know yourself; you don't understand poly; you "require" devotion and frequent contact; you want to be the only one who bears him children; you are afraid of people coming and going in your lives, of those attachments disappearing; you fear your jealousy becoming neurotic and pushing him away; and you consider both the emotional and sexual aspects of your relationship with him to be unique and very special to you. Because all those issues combined would become HUGE obstacles to being happy in a polyamorous situation, I don't think you would benefit from going there.
I think it will hurt less for you to end the relationship now, with your head held high because you made a choice that is right for who you are, than to try and twist yourself like a pretzel into "being poly" for him. For someone like you, poly with this guy will surely bring you agony and heartbreak.
Last edited by nycindie; 09-20-2011 at 12:27 AM.