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Old 09-19-2011, 11:25 PM
Fish Fish is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2
Default Polyamourous me?

Hello,

I am so ridiculously new to this! I believe that as time passes, the more we experience, whether the result and or journey is filled with positives or negatives we grow in our understanding of ourselves for the better. I am young and have only really started to understand who I am and feel confident in being who I am whether it is accepted socially or not. But as it happens in life a new situation has arisen which has had me challenging my perspective and I have a big decision to make. I would be very grateful if you have any insight.

Firstly I am from the uk and I am thinking a lot of people here are from the US? There doesn't seem to be much activity online for polyamourous forums/events here - anyone out there from the Uk?

My situation is that my boyfriend of two years has come to me saying he is polyamourous. He has made it clear that if I chose to explore this I would without doubt be his primary, he loves me more than anyone before. He has also made it clear that if I cannot be in an poly relationship of some structure that we have no future. This is very hard for me to understand I am not instinctively poly, although I do have some ideals I guess resembling poly ideals (interest in commune living and three-some sexual experienced).

I am the suberviant partner, I require devotion, I require alot of contact time (although I am quite an independent person), I want a family and feel if I can be in a polyamourous relationship I would still want to be the only person to provide children for my primary. I would need to only ever be the primary for him. I am afraid that jealousy would get the better of me, I would become emotionally neurotic and that would drive him away. I am afraid that I would fall in love with his/my/our secondary and that I would be hurt having people move in and out of my life. I am also afraid that I am considering being in a poly relationship because I am scared of letting him go. I feel the only way to know if this is for me is by experience but if I bail later that would hurt him and me more and potentially leave us less likely to continue friendship.

Additionally, I do not understand how one could accept a secondary position (i guess unless they are a primary elsewhere) and I am afraid someone may come into our relationship as a secondary and push to change the structure. This may be naive of me but it is a great fear.

In short I am confused. Are there any poly converts out there who had my doubts and truly feel life is better now? Is my desire for him to be still quite significantly my primary realistic in a poly scenario realistic? I fear I will not be able to cope with him having an emotional connection with a sexual partner that I have always viewed as the unique and special aspect of our relationship. Any and all advice welcome and thank you for your time reading my post, I have read many posts here and have been encouraged by everyone's openess and willing to spend time assisting others through their concerns and issues.
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