I'm feeling much better today
we had a lovely weekend of focused connection, being close cuddly romantic loving snuggly super sexy awesomeness
and that helped my heart so very much.
I also had an unexpected insight into myself, and a new piece of the puzzle. I had gone to a Pagan Pride event, and ironically was teaching a workshop on Polyamory there. I found that my current experiences helped me have a new view on many things, and greater compassion for others who have struggled with emotions, relationships, poly, and fears. While at the workshop I met a lovely new couple, and found myself very attracted to them both, and particularly to the woman.
I came home and was telling Will about my experiences and how the girl had me all tingly when I realized how hypocritical it was that I was ok with Me being attracted to or interested in another woman, but terrified of Will being attracted to or interested in, or with, another woman. When I acknowledged that, I spent sometime looking inside myself. (side note, I was moderately stoned at the time and I have found that when stoned I have amazing moments of epiphany and problem solving).
When I was looking at that feeling, and wondering why that is... I had the thought "well because if I'm the one interested in another girl, it's not a threat to our relationship, because another girl could never replace Will in my life or heart... but if Will's into another girl, then I could be replaced." I found a very sore tender painful place in my heart & soul over this feeling of being "replaceable"
We talked about this insight, me feeling all vulnerable and kind of teary about it, and Will giving me what he always does ~ support, reassurance, validation and lots of Love. He held me close, kissed me a bunch, and looked me straight in the eyes and stated very firmly that I am absolutely NOT replaceable, not ever, not even a little bit.
But I found myself wondering why I feel that way, where that came from, and how that fear and feeling of being "replaced" had first come into my mind & heart.
I don't worry about Envy, because Envy I figured out long ago is Very easy to handle, in fact I kinda appreciate moments when Envy comes up in a relationship because it is sooooo easy to fix and so beneficial when understood and handled properly. Envy is wanting what you don't have (or don't have enough of, or haven't had recently) that you perceive someone else getting to have. Envy for me, is just a message from myself to myself saying "Hey... I really want that too!" and once I know what I want or need, all I have to do is Ask for it.
If another girl is getting a nice fancy date out, and I am feeling envious, then it's likely that I'm just feeling left out, or that I have a need or want to be taken out and made to feel special too... so I can just recognize that need or want, and speak up and ask for it
Jealousy is still hard, because I'm finding that jealousy for me, in this experience, is all based in deep deep primal level fears of Loss, of being left, of losing the person I love most, of losing my place in his heart and life to another, and of the pain that would bring me. It is also about my own feelings of self-worth, desirableness, value, and that feeling of being "replaceable". I'm trying to do with Jealousy what I did with Envy long ago... turn it into a positive, an opportunity to recognize a need within myself, and then be able to communicate that need and ask for what I want and need to feel safe and loved, special and secure... and not replaceable.