I've got some weird stuff in my head today. Confused. It's been one strange week of topsy-turvy emotions, then some numbness, and now some new perspectives coming along.
I wonder if I just gave up too soon. At the first taste of jealousy, I totally freaked. But, like so many have pointed out here, it was the dishonesty that was eating me alive, not so much the polyamorous situation. Maybe it wasn't even "jealousy;" maybe it was more simply a fear of the unknown. I just didn't know where I stand, she (Barbie) didn't know where she stands, and it was getting messy.
Sundance seems fine with giving her up, says he is, says he's glad it's just us, back to being monogamous again. Yet.... she called him yesterday afternoon while I was away for a few hours. She had to have known I'd be gone at that time, so how did she know? He must have told her, right? So when was that? A text first? I mean, obviously they are in touch, she knows my schedule well enough to know it's "safe" to call him. Or "respectfully not wanting to intrude on my time with him." (?) I'm not being suspicious, playing detective, all that crap. I shouldn't have to be -- I wish Sundance felt free enough and safe enough to JUST TELL ME. He is constantly working an angle in this, and it does not have to be that way. Geez man! Do you care about her or not? He says NO. Is it "over" with her? He says it is. But he talks to her, says it's about work. Which I'm sure some
of it is. And I know he can see her at any point during his workday, and I would never know. I don't want to be suspicious. I don't want to be lied to. I would rather just tell him to keep the relationship going with her!!! How hard is it, to just do it, but just be honest about it???
I'm uncomfortable with the manipulation here. But on the flip side, actually -- it's the appearance that I'M the one in the driver's seat: "If you want me to stop seeing her, then you stop seeing Butch." So me ending things with Butch was only a way of manipulating HIS relationship with her? Ugh. That's not right. Doesn't he want to be free to make his own decisions??? Don't I want him to be???
Our secondary relationships can't be so dependent upon one another. THAT'S not fair.
I think he's trying to keep her "on the back burner" just in case I change my mind and want to see Butch, or get caught sneaking around all over again.
I'm hyper-sensitive, trying to figure out, does he want to see her, and is he looking for a license to do so?
I don't give out the licenses!
I mean, do I want monogamy, or don't I? Shit, at this point, I have no idea! I know at some points in our polyamory, I felt more natural than I have in my entire life. We had worked really hard to work out the boundaries, and I thought they were actually starting to work. Could we have worked it out with her, too?
Today I just want to call up Barbie and tell her that I am willing to share, as long as she knows the truth and respects me and my marriage. But how can I do that if Sundance won't tell me directly that he even wants that??? And of course, he will think it's because I want to see Butch, that it's all about me.
What about me? If he resumes (continues?) his relationship with her, and I find out, either by his honest admission (not likely) or me playing detective and "busting" him (which I don't want to do, either), then what? Then do I get a green light to go back to Butch again? Do I even want that? Does Sundance? And isn't this rather ridiculous, as we both have secondaries who would happily take us back but don't even get a say in the matter, at all??
I still like the concept of polyamory. I liked re-defining love and marriage, creating a life that is uniquely ours and not dictated by convention and "morals." I liked being true to myself and to my own heart.
And I'm hella curious about Barbie.
She was really falling in love with my husband. What's so terrible about that? Could we have been on the same team? We sure have something in common. So she bought him gifts -- is that so bad? Did it have to be so secretive? How dumb. I know I overreacted, but it's because he hid things -- which in turn led me to overreact, which led him to hide things...!!!
This is all one big cluster of confusion. Having an incredibly tough time trying to figure this out, and poor Sundance, he's overwhelmed right now, with work stuff, some health issues, finances, my MOODS..... We talk till we're both losing sleep at night. Yeah, I need to make that counseling appointment, right?!