Dh: how about letting Sun hit off the ladies Tee's and 5 strokes . ... in the spirit of compassion and compromise?
-- I'm actually not sure what this means? If this means sex, then of course I think that should be fine, but ONLY if he can do that and be honest with all involved. I don't know how to make it clearer that I think lack of honesty on Sun's part is what made this situation not ok. There is nothing compassionate ahout letting your partner deceive a woman about the nature of your relationship.
Dh: The article you mentioned seemed to confuse acts done for or with someone with the expectation of a payout later down the road and ....fairness.
-- My understanding of the point of the article was that doing something for someone while expecting a reward is NOT a good definition of fairness. Did you ever read the whole article?
Dh: I don't see anyone anyone with completely clean hands....
-- Did you see the part, a few posts back, where I said "I hear you that things were messed up on both sides at various times in the relationship"? I agree with you on that point. But when you've messed up, your responsibility is to reform your behavior and do better. That's what Carma did when she came clean to Sun and negotiated a poly arrangement where everyone could be honest. It *doesn't* mean that you're required to wear a scarlet letter A, take shit for the rest of your life, and accept without argument any wrongs your partner does to you in the future as your just rewards.
We all make mistakes, and if we're lucky we sometimes also get the chance to do what we can to make them right. Fairness is treating someone how you'd want to be treated. Fairness is NOT "you messed up so now I can do whatever I want with no consequences or regard for you."
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.