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Old 09-19-2011, 02:28 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 194

Baron, thanks for posting. Quite a few things you wrote made me pause and think, and I think I'll just point them out for you and maybe you can think about them, too.

I pick apart what you say quite a bit, so before you read it, I want you to know a few things.

I have been in a position in my life before where I have had to secondarily care for a depressed person for a few years. I want to say that I sympathize with your plight, and I know how it can kind of deaden your relationship when you are the caregiver all the time.

Also, don't worry about offending people with your BDSM desires here. We are not judging you for them! You're safe here, and we don't think you're "abhorrent" for wanting to slap a consenting woman around in the bedroom.

I'm on your side and I hope you can find happiness and fulfillment. But now here are some things to think about:

Originally Posted by Baron View Post
I hope people will not take exception to my only talking on my own behalf, rather than the more objective talking for both of us that is usual for me.
Baron, I can't imagine why anyone would take exception to you *not* speaking for your wife. Usually, we like it when people speak for themselves and not other people. Is that really what you meant to say? Or was that an attempt at humour? Because not usually letting your wife speak for herself isn't really a laughing matter.

In relationship terms, I am very unhappy and have been so for most of the relationship. I have no intention of rehashing all the many problems or past difficulties we have in our relationship. I expect anyone who has been in a relationship for longer than a year would have a similar list.
I would highly expect not, Baron. You have been in a relationship for more than a decade at describe yourself as "very unhappy". If anyone who has been in a relationship for longer than a year had similar problems, we should all give up relationships.

I want to assure you that many people in long-term relationships don't feel unhappy or defeated like you've described. If you're sticking with your wife because you think it wouldn't be any better with someone else, then you should rethink that.

Also, you're thinking of embarking on another relationship! Are you expecting that one to develop similar baggage in a year, like you say happens in all relationships? What will you do then? Dump that girl and get a new one?

Our problem has been the lack of intimacy and commitment to our relationship, which has led to my losing trust and belief in RS.
It took me a minute to figure out that by "lack of intimacy" you mean a lack of sex. Intimacy can be a nice euphemism for sex, but it can also mean other things. Look, sorry she isn't fucking you. That really sucks.

Anyway, in the next paragraph, you spend a lot of time using some pretty blaming language, talking about how you hard you tried to fix your relationship and how hard RS didn't. You sound pretty bitter and I wonder why you are still hanging on to this relationship when you have this level of toxicity in your feelings towards her.

But I want to challenge you a little bit. If you want to be able to get along with your wife as you embark on relationships with other women--or even, alternatively, if you want to experience a smoother divorce--I think you have to let go of some of your blaming anger and accept at least some responsibility for your part in this.

You talk about a condition of your marrying her was that she make some changes, but that she didn't make any of those changes, and that you married her anyway. Maybe what you wanted from her was not what she was ever willing or able to give. If that's true, it's not just that she's not meeting you half-way. It's that you're expecting something to come out of her that was never meant to come out--that you two are incompatible. That's kind of nobody's fault, Baron. But it is a little unfair if you blame only her for the incompatibility. You married her, and said in that ceremony that you could love the person she was. But you didn't--you wanted her to change, even from the very beginning.

In answer to someone's question, we do not have any children because of the lack of intimacy.
This is another example of blaming language to me. It sounds like you are trying to say that you really wanted children, but that you couldn't have them, because she wouldn't have sex with you even to try to conceive. Somehow that sounds far-fetched. Elaborate?

Also, even if you did have a conversation where you both decided you wanted to parent together, doesn't your wife have PCOS? That can be a stressor on any couple trying to conceive.

I want RS to be friends with that person because I am not willing to sneak about in the background, leading a hidden life that can never be spoken of.
You have given me two extremes: 1) that your wife be friends with your new partner, or 2) that you live a hidden life and never speak of your partner. I hope you realize that there are options in between, that they don't have to be best buds or nothing. For instance--and this is what usually happens--your wife can meet your new partner and then know of her. Your relationship wouldn't be a secret, and she would gradually work her way into your life, and you wouldn't hide it. Your wife would see more of the new girl and maybe they would grow to be friends, or maybe they'd just always be amicable acquaintances. You can't force friendship, just like you can't force love, and it's silly to try.

You sound sometimes like the kind of guy who tries to fit a square peg into a round hole and then blames everyone (including yourself) because it's just not going in.

I don't believe I am "Domming" RS by wanting her to be friends with this potential other person.
I never said that. I said you were accidentally "domming" her by requiring her to *choose* the potential girlfriend. It doesn't look like you want that, and your wife may have misrepresented you there.

I bully people for a specific purpose, for my good and theirs.
Interesting. Do you mean just for pretend fun in the bedroom? Or do you mean in "real life"? Because it sounds like you are blurring your BDSM into your everyday interactions, which is one of those common mistakes. If you want to bully your partner (for funsies!) you're looking at more of a D/s situation than an "S&M" one.

I second Annabel that you should start going to munches and reading up on BDSM on the internet. More familiarity with the scene will help attract potential partners and get you meeting people, too.

Good luck!
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