I struggled back and forth for 7 years my dear.
All I can say to both of you is that either one of you trying to pretend to be something you are not will only guarantee failure.
One of the hardest lessons for Maca (still a struggle at times) was that he can BE whoever he wants/needs but he can't choose who I am. It's really that simple.
As soon as we ask someone to be something specific for us that is inherently opposed to who they are, we guarantee we will lose them. Because even if they don't leave-they become a fraction of whoever they were to begin with.
I don't envy mountainboy's position.nor do I envy M's position, nor do I envy yours-and I am living it!
It is tough. I said somewhere else on here. Ultimately I had to decide that I loved Maca AND myself enough to say "this is me and if you can't live with me I understand and love you enough to let you go, but I love me enough that I can't lie to myself anymore".
It sucked and I still have nightmares of being left high and dry. But it's only been 5 weeks.
"Love As Thou Wilt"