No, I hear you brother. I am a switch, I love dealing out the pain as well as taking it. I go crazy if I don't get a goodly amount of each. I could never go back to being vanilla.. if I don't get enough of kinky sex, I do revert to fantasy and porn/erotica. Luckily my gf is also a switch with me, altho more on the sub side.
I hear you on not wanting to waste more years in longing... life is short, whether one has had near death experiences or not!
Please keep posting. We're an open minded bunch here, and a lot of us are into BDSM.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
There's no lying in polyamory!
I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)