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Old 09-17-2011, 04:58 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Default List on how to communicate

I practice a lot of Non-Violent Communication in my life. For those of you that are not familiar.... do a tag search on "communication" and/or "nvc", I talk about it a lot here.

NVC is a communication technique created by Marshal Rosenberg... who wrote the book of the same title cnvc. Some like to call it "compassionate communication."

Empathy or compassion, to me, is the key to changing our world entirely. Marchall's communication technique would serve us well on that road... in my opinion.

So in the ten years of my marriage, starting with a course I took before I got married with my husband, I have come to see communication in a way that works for me. Its a personal take on Marshall's technique. (there is a list somewhere on here on his version of this....couldn't find it)


1. express my feelings without blaming, shaming, or expressing my assumptions
2. express my concerns as I see them from my point of view
3. request what I need to see change or what the person should be aware of letting them know what my expectations are
4. actively listen to what they say, thank them for their feed back and give it all a good think
5. repeat over and over until we are done in as much time as it takes.

I have learned to communicate (somewhat effectively) my concerns and feelings using "I" statements that do not insult, defame and offend. Its one thing to use an "I" statement, another to turn it around as a "you" statement ("I hate when you...."). This has become important because it really isn't effective communication if I don't own every little drop of what is going on for me, even if I really do have an assumption about what is going on for the person.

I remember that if I start this process, I have to be ready to finish it. Blurting out my feelings, or my concerns or my requests on their own is unfair to the person I am directing my energy to and I have found does not get to the root of the problem in order to go about making change.

We all want to feel comfortable, I need to respect that and make it as safe as possible for people to communicate with me back again. Otherwise shit hits the fan and everyone gets hurt. finish what I start is my motto.... that means I have to know what I am going to say before hand sometimes and should think very hard on how to empathize with the person I am speaking to before starting.

Bottom line for me is to be a good host in this process. I wrote a thread about that here explaining more.

So this has all come up in my life again.... it seems I am using this process and being a part of this process lately and I thought it might warrant discussing again.
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