Thread: Turnabout
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Old 09-16-2011, 09:05 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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What I loved about poly is its requirement for absolute honesty. I mean, it just can't work without it. Sundance is not comfortable or secure enough to operate that way. So there is a major issue, in and outside of poly, which was only going to be worse when he expanded into another relationship.

I am into the gruelling process of being honest with myself and with others. I was also killer lonely, before the affair and also in my encouragement of Sundance to find a girlfriend -- who I hoped would become my friend. I guess that may have been a miscommunication on my part (although I don't think it was -- I dreamed of a "sister wife," I did not dream of him having a stranger telling him how deeply she loved him) or maybe I just didn't realize how truly lonely I was, and that there are plenty of other ways of addressing loneliness, than sending my husband out on a silver platter!

My "affair" with Butch for the 3+ years prior to poly.... I call it an affair but it was not, totally. It was a friendship that I/we fought extremely hard from letting get deeper. There were months when I avoided him altogether. We moved to another town for a school year, where I never saw him at all, although I did call him on the phone a few times, to see how he was doing. I can't justify the fact that yes, I had crossed an emotional line, and eventually it became physical (not actually consummated til our poly agreement) -- but I must say we weren't having FUN during those years!!! It was all fighting off feelings that neither of us wanted to act on. It was heartwrenching. It was not a passionate wild love affair. (does that matter? Does it make me any more "righteous"?)

Anyway, I realized today that I really did love our Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (and Etta Place) role play, very much. Maybe if the two guys had embraced it half as much as I had, they would have found some rich, wonderful friendship and intimacy there. Instead, Sundance took his male pride out there for some ego-stroking. He did NOT see some girl and feel she could use a friend. It was all about his needs -- and she was all too happy to fill them. But he could have gotten them all met right here if only he'd let us all enjoy what we had worked so hard to build! He's a loner and a macho man. And it's really too bad. The other option was he could have introduced her to me, even to Butch eventually! I've seen that happen in beautiful ways right here on this forum. Now I'm second guessing myself and saying I was crazy? He's blaming me -- and/or I'm blaming myself -- for being "wrong" all along? Geez, it's all gotta be black and white, doesn't it?!?

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head at the moment. I am such an extremist -- we hit a big bump in the road and I immediately scream, "TURN BACK!!!!" I'm not so sure I didn't bail out too soon. I don't know, I'm still very confused.

As for Butch, he is so good at compartmentalizing things, I have to believe he'll stuff it all and be fine. He is another one too proud to show his true feelings. If he can't come out and admit it, I guess he's going to lose something he may or may not have treasured in his life. Hey -- he and Sundance are still friends; why can't HE do the talking this time???? I can't be the one ruling the poly universe anymore! Or the mono one, either!

(For one wild dreamy moment today, I imagined my two guys talking it out and agreeing to try and make it work again! Haha. Or Sundance surprising the hell out of me and taking me to dinner and there are Butch and Barbie, and we all have a good laugh!)

If it weren't for all of you, I may not even be alive right now. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Your perspective keeps me thinking and loving and breathing and REAL.
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Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
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