Poly my whole life ~ Now Struggling with fears & insecurities
I feel strange, scared and so lost right now as I find myself reaching out to others in desperation for advice, help, support, thoughts... anything to help me get through this experience. I'm used to being the one giving the Poly advice, and on top of how painful and scary these experiences of jealousy, fear and insecurity are... the worst part is the confusion, guilt, and shame I'm feeling on top of it because this these negative feelings are so contrary to who I have always been and how I've lived my life.
I'm 35, a single mom, I've been Poly since my early 20's. Some of my relationship experiences have been beautiful, some of my former lovers are now my "family" and best friends even if not lovers anymore. Some of my relationships have been disasters and utterly heartbreaking. Mostly though my poly life has been one of having many "lovers" and being the girlfriend/secondary to a few couples, but not having my own healthy committed primary relationship that I was truly longing for. I had almost given up hope, and resigned myself to a lonely life of only half-met needs, juggling multiple casual partners...
then I met Will... and we changed each other's whole lives when we fell in love, it is the most beautiful connected healthy supportive passionate damn-near perfect relationship I've ever seen, or experienced. We are so good to each other and for each other, we are each other's best friend, and I've never experienced passion or lovemaking like we share, with anyone else in my whole life. There is nothing casual about it, it is transcendent and deeply bonding and spiritual and completely satisfying everytime.
We've been together one year now, and just moved into a new house together, he loves me so much, and he loves my kids. He is so kind, gentle and compassionate... he was always monogamous before meeting and dating me. I was the life-long poly girl, who introduced him to it, and he enjoyed the freedom that came with poly relationships, to be able to have fun with other girls, other romances, and other sexual experiences... but even with that total freedom and both of us dating others, Our bond and relationship grew closer, deeper and stronger, more in love over time. And as it did, we both were seeing other people less and less, and each other more and more. With him at about 4 months in, I had my first ever in my whole life experience of the feelings of jealousy, and I've been working on that ever since, and he's been supportive and patient, and it seemed like it was all worked out and resolved.
All this sounds wonderful and is exactly what my heart was longing for, and I'm so grateful and feel so blessed... so what's gone wrong?
the month before we moved in, he had a casual hook-up date with another poly woman who is married, but she's really into him... they went to a hotel, and I went home and fell apart. I literally completely lost my shit, broke down totally into helpless brokenhearted sobbing for three days. I couldn't bear how much it hurt thinking of him with her, seeing them together in my mind.
I've never felt anything like that, I couldn't eat or sleep or stop crying, I felt sick inside, and terrified... so freaking terrified. And confused and lost and shamed and guilty for having this reaction. When he came over the next day to surprise me, he found me curled up in the fetal position in my bed crying my heart out. We talked, a lot, we've been talking ever since. He said that no other girl or casual sex was worth the pain I was going through and he offered me monogamy for however long I may need it, while we focus on building our new life together, and all the big changes of moving in together.
I feel this was beyond generous of him, and yet a month later I'm still struggling with it, every time we talk I feel a little better... he is constantly reassuring me, loving me, being so good to me... but when I try to get to a place of being ok with Poly again, I just can't... it hurts so much inside. I realize that I'm scared of losing him, of losing his love to someone else, of being abandoned (I've been "left" pretty much by every single relationship in my life, including parents and ex's), and of losing the best most wonderful Love that's ever come into my life.
I don't know what to do, I'm trying so hard... he tells me to "quit trying so hard and just give myself time to heal and let time wash away my fears, because only time will show me that he's not leaving"
I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite... and I'm afraid of ruining this relationship with my fears and insecurities